I'm Alex [Archive] - PokerCrack Forum

noscuter1

01-06-2012, 01:14 AM

The new owner of this domain name hired me as the administrator.

I don't know exactly who is the new owner. I was hired via Elance by the guy from US.

Hi Alex, I personally don't mind you administering the site but it's owned by...oh did Roy sell the domain?

Who is Elance? Who is the guy from US? It's all very vague. I hardly care. Because Roy had the domain - I control the servers account which is just blasting into no domain as present I guess. bah

I'm not paranoid HB. I'll be dead before long. I've been shut down and you know it could be anyone except 6 figures usd and a year of 20 hour days and you can believe me or disbelieve me but there's only one power I can think of who can wield power over - literally - everyone. 19 computers. 50 brand new drives. 100's of sd cards and flash drives and everything is corrupted instantly. Every filesystem is a joke. Apple is a fucking Linux distribution, ridiculous that I've literally never heard that until 15 min into using it and I thought "this world is too dumb to live."

You can't write about the power that destroyed - all - power for 2000 years and live to laugh about it. In all honesty, I'm kinda grateful. I wish I accepted it a long time ago though. I could still accept it now and they're going to do anything, they just want me to shut up. But I've seen the reality of humans. I have no friends. They're lucky I don't kill them all. petty fucking morons. And what would I do grow tomatoes. blah

It's UEFI and you're all dead. Or worse. christ knows what you are now, I've seen things I cannot explain, things about Operating Systems I'm kinda just happy to take to a grave because they're so obvious if I'm the first person to 'notice' them none of you are even qualified to be human and I'm not sure how to make that more palatable but it's the truth. Anyone here have a Mac? Creepiest fucking company in the history of the planet and I just finished reading that Isaacson biography and there's some dark stuff going on and I'm torn between just hanging on to see it go down or beating the traffic.

You're all fucking morons and if you think I'm 'cracking', please say so and I'll embarrass you. Because threads all over the internet - hundreds thousands of them all of them, where I'm asking questions and no one is answering because the questions are too freaking simple to even exist. Do you understand? 2 + 4 = ?

morons. It's UEFI obviously. I've only been saying it since fucking May or June or whatever. Hired hundreds of 'experts' too stupid to live and have to learn it all myself - offline.

http://www.intel.com/content/www/us/en/architecture-and-technology/unified-extensible-firmware-interface/efi-homepage-general-technology.html

Yogesh: Hello. Thank you for using the Intel Customer Chat Support service. We are glad to be of service. How may I help you?
: hi Yogesh
: um I have lots of expensive Intel systems
: all have corrupted BIOS's
: i flash them with the appropriate BIOS firmware but...no luck
: the SSD's are all corrupted, turned into virtual containers I think
: I get CMOS checksum error messages, even after resetting the motherboard / processor etc
Yogesh: I am sorry to hear about the issue.
: well as long as I haven't annoyed Intel somehow, all is good
: if i have annoyed Intel somehow, I'm gravely sorry.
: in front of me i have two Intel desktops with almost entirely Intel components - is there some easy solutions or...answers are a bit quaint, of late.
Yogesh: May I have the motherboard model number?
: yes you may!
: DH67BL - Media Series
Yogesh: Thank you.
Yogesh: I have not heard from you for the last 3 minutes. Would you like me to wait and keep this chat session open for you?
: ? yes please
: I thought I was waiting for you for 15 min? I was hoping for assistance from Intel for my brand new Intel hardware components, which are all corrupted - somewhat horrifyingly rapidly really
: I've spent 8 months on this. I think it's safe to say I am screwed without Intel's help
: ATA Secure Erase commands don't erase my SSDs, and the same goes for Enhanced Secure Erase; though I’m not bright enough to understand how you can erase securely, and then erase even more securely. But it’s only 2 min each so I just do both before installing another operating system.
: but when I install any operating system, Windows 7, XP, 8, Server 2003, 2008 or a Linux distribution or Xen (an interesting Linux distribution, but then you could argue the same could be said about Windows and OS X)...it just doesn’t matter which Unix OS I install, there is residual corruption which the OS picks up on and runs away with
: so I'm thinking it's to do with the controllers and drivers, the firmware inside the motherboards’ ostensibly protected ‘read-only’ memory chips - but I’ve only been suspecting this for a year or so, and only after zero-filling 50 brand new hard drives 300-400 times. Pretty sure it’s not the hard drives, which appears to leave the motherboard chips as the only possible source, no?
Yogesh: I apologize for the inconvenience caused to you.
: it's okay, don’t mention it. I had nothing going on, really...and 90% of the hassle is just my ignorance...but it's an insane learning curve. and I'm at dead ends now
Yogesh: Jonny, If you feel your units are defective you can go ahead and claim warranty for the same, however I request you to reopen this chat session and while entering pre-chat survey in "Please indicate the type of query you have:" select "Warranty" they will assist you regarding your request.
: Will warranty provide solutions or simply refund? it’s just...I need the former. The latter appears not to be a logical solution to the problem.
Yogesh: Regarding this you can have a check with warranty team they will be having a better update.
: okay thanks - just to confirm I didn't click the wrong tab, this is Technical Support though right?
: so no tech support for this issue?
Yogesh: Yes, Jonny you have reached technical support.
Yogesh: However I can provide support for only Desktop motherboard and processor, I don't have information on SSD's
: I'll literally accept any technical support you’re able to provide, at all. with gratitude.
Yogesh: Jonny, since you are getting CMOS battery error, did you try replacing CMOS battery?
: I'm pretty sure the board and processors control the drives though right? The battery merely retains the corrupted CMOS settings. But yes, I replaced the brand new CMOS batteries with brand new batteries - unsurprisingly, the issue appears unrelated to batteries, unfortunately.
: these i7 processors are far too intelligent for me - it's like they're talking to each other, silently and wirelessly, and cutting me out of the conversation. Sounds crazy right? I’m lucky the Catholics aren’t killing witches presently, or I’d be in trouble. But then everything sounds crazy when you’re ignorant, and then I read about how Intel i7 processors, actually do that. It’s a feature! That’s craziness for you, right there.
Yogesh: Yes, motherboard controls SSD's or SATA drives.

noscuter1

01-06-2012, 01:18 AM

You're all going to die. If you're lucky. This is all your stupid fault. In what world can...ahh

: can I ask a vague question I'm not all that clear on...
Yogesh: Please go ahead.
: with different countries...might the process from factory to assembly be very different?
: I mean might the problem be with shifty shenanigans here in the Asian division, the only reason I ask is Seagate refused to provide support after I showed them how Seagate Tools showed I had the most corrupted hard drives on the planet. Seagate said I had to “talk to Asia, see if they could help” - whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. And when Dell corrupted my Latitude with non-existent firmware, Dell US and Dell Australia said they have nothing to do with Dell Thailand and expressed their sympathies.
: So I’m wondering if Intel has no links whatsoever with Intel Asia, as well?
: I thought I read something about the option for manufacturers or system assemblers to configure individual BIOS settings
: but anyway, I like Intel’s hardware. but someone has corrupted the BIOS on every motherboard I have. so it must be configurable, so can you tell me how to configure my own BIOS? I mean can you show me how to change the layout, hide options, lock in fixed settings and so on?
Yogesh: Jonny, I am sorry to inform you that you won't be able to configure your own BIOS, however you can make changes in BIOS by pressing F2 during POST.
: yeah, I mean I’m not that bright but I’m bright enough to read my screen during POST. So I figured out that ‘trick’. Not figuring out how I’m not supposed to be terrified right now, though. Because I can change the settings around, but then they are corrupted so...who knows, really.
: for example, I can deactivate virtual functionality in the BIOS, but then the motherboard doesn’t listen to my BIOS - not the BIOS I see, anyway.
: would the BIOS for say the DH67BL board be identical here as it would be in say...the US, or Europe? or do the Asian OEMs somehow get a look in?
Yogesh: Jonny, to keep you informed BIOS, motherboard architecture, processor architecture, drivers and softwares which we provide will always be same regardless of region, however you can choose your desired language.
: hmm well I installed Genuine Windows into a brand new Intel system at 37,000 feet flying to Hong Kong. No Internet or sneaky rf / bluetooth / wireless obviously, at least, I can't imagine there would have been.
: but you know, when your motherboard is corrupted, it really doesn’t matter what operating system you load; the image is going to be corrupted. At 37,000 feet or sea level, every operating system I load is corrupted and I’m willing to be pragmatic, but the operating systems aren’t operational. no one would be using computers if everyone got what I get Yogesh: May I know what is the error message your are getting?
: "CMOS Checksum Error" "BIOS Bug" "Boot Failure" - but you know, the scary thing isn’t the error messages, it’s how many errors there are. We’re talking tens of thousands of error messages, millions if you count Windows or Linux or Mac logging error messages. All unique but they all say the same thing. It’s funny, they all tell me “No.” If I didn’t know better than to believe in mysticism, I’d think God was dabbling in Denial of Service.
: in short, the corruption is unfathomable. overwhelming. terrifying and horrible and you might say, complete? Yes, everything is completely corrupted. One wonders who even has that kind of access to pull off such a thing, an ex-Intel employee I guess.
Yogesh: Jonny, will it be possible for you to clear CMOS battery for 20 to 30 minutes, which will reset your BIOS setting to factory settings.
: I've done that...lots
: this thing has me beat.
Yogesh: If above troubleshooting step doesn't resolve the issue, then I request you to enter into BIOS, then clear the details in Event log.
: …..
: I’m trying - like really hard - to spin that advice to sound a lot less like “DoS”, but all I can read is “You’re going to die, have you considered growing vegetables and tending to animals - because computers and the Internet aren’t for you.”
: I know you’ll refund all my money, at least for the systems I haven’t left in hotels around the world when I couldn’t exactly lug them all around with me, what with the horror and the sheer redundancy. But I need computers obviously, not refunds.
: resetting the CMOS clears the logs in the BIOS yes. Until next boot, I guess. Will it clear the millions of errors from my OS logs? You think this is a logging issue?
Yogesh: Jonny, after clearing CMOS battery you are getting the same error message again, hence if get this error message again, I request you to enter in BIOS and clear Event log and see if this resolves the issue.
: well yes, but you told me I’m going to die already. why are you telling me again?
: oh. my bad. I see it’s my fault. but then you’ll have to forgive me but it’s not the Answer I was looking for. It’s not even a good ‘work-around’.
Yogesh: However even after doing the same if you are getting same error message you can try updating your BIOS.
: I flash them with Intel firmware - successfully.
: except..nothing changes. At all. Nothing is reset, not even the CMOS or the date. Speaking of CMOS settings and batteries, did I tell you my motherboards don’t need them? True story, I should have told you that. You can do away with all batteries for the 10 billion motherboards you got operational, because I can make a video for you if you like, my CMOS settings are frozen - LOCK - solid. With no battery, I can do this indefinitely, for hundreds or thousands of boots. Unless you own the battery companies, I don’t see how it makes sense to even have the placeholder for a battery there.
: sigh - frankly I’m mildly surprised this isn't like a huge issue or something, it is for me obviously...but this must be something Intel knows all about?
: I got these subsystems going out of control lolz. I can't get even a corrupted OS online for longer than...a few hours, a day or two maybe
Yogesh: Jonny, I feel your motherboard is defective, I request you to go ahead and warranty claim for this motherboard.
: This is a refund, you’re offering. I understand, but I beg you to understand I don’t buy computers to claim refunds for them. That would be...? Buying into redundancy, too ridiculous - even for me. I’ve got 18 systems, I think. I’ve lost count. All are identical, even though the components aren't - and Intel’s official position on this phenomenon is “clear the logs” or “get a refund”?
:I guess so. Pretty hard to confuse that.
:I'll let you go in a sec thanks Yogesh, can I bother you with just one last small batch of questions about UEFI?
Yogesh: Sure go ahead.
: i don't understand UEFI lolz, I've read up on it. but what's with all this remote booting...iSCSI, Fcoe, PXE gPXE etc
: i deactivate it all obviously in my corrupted BIOS's but I'm pretty sure, like I *think* I'm getting remote booted
: I've used the Intel tools in DOS to supposedly nix it all, but I'm unconvinced...I see too much evidence suggesting each OS has been booted via UEFI remotely or something; and my operating systems can’t decide whether I have 30 networking adapters or zero so it’s all kind of a joke - obviously, I control none of them. I don't really understand networking
Yogesh: Jonny, are you connected to Internet when you power on the system?
: absolutely not - I wish sigh. Getting online is kinda exhausting and a huge extended ordeal this year. but no, I’m not - intentionally - online when I’m installing / booting...but then, I've learned the Internet isn't what I thought it was...my systems talk to my fridge, to my microwave, to my TVs, to my phones, to my A/c! at least this is what the experts looking at my ports tell me - I have these crazy NetBIOS drivers and point-to-point comms and channels I can’t close between everything electronic, it’s all out of control
: everything's on loopback, spawning indefinitely and my commands as Root are ignored, I can't get low enough
: i'm like 80% sure all my systems are just virtual containers
: actually as crazy as it sounds, I'm pretty sure all of Thailand is in the same boat, but that's too whoa for me, I just want to catch up with the breaking news at jailbait.com etc - just j/k...eh not really
: anyway I'm probably wasting your time now sorry Yogesh, I'll run along
: if I could beg you to forward my concerns to some Intel techs or something...I dunno...if anyone can help ;(
Yogesh: Jonny, I am here to assist you, however I can understand your concern and frustration.
Yogesh: Sure I will be escalating your request.
Yogesh: Please stay online for 3 minutes while I get back to you with a reference number.
: k
Yogesh: Thank you for staying online.
Yogesh: Jonny, please make a note of service ticket number ie 8000319879.
: got it
: there isn't like a Intel user-accessible walk-in service center or something is there? in thailand or hong kong...or anywhere?
Yogesh: I am sorry to inform you that I don't have information on service centers in your local geographical location, however since I am escalating your request your local support will get back to you within 1 to 2 working days.
: ok sweet thanks! i don't get online all *that* routinely so i'll drop my number here if that's cool - maybe I'll get a tech that likes using a phone ;) +66 890 553694
: thanks Yogesh - i appreciate it, have a good one!
Yogesh: Sure I will update the details.
Yogesh: Its my pleasure, Jonny.
Yogesh: Would you like to have any other information?
: I would like...ALL the information. but right now, it’s baby steps, and mostly just stacking it. aiight thanks again, holla!
Yogesh: If you are satisfied with our support, please score items where applicable with a 4 or 5 in the online survey. We will value your feedback and we will use it to make our services better. Thank you!

PokerCrack

01-06-2012, 07:17 AM

Hi Alex, I personally don't mind you administering the site but it's owned by...oh did Roy sell the domain?

Who is Elance? Who is the guy from US? It's all very vague. I hardly care. Because Roy had the domain - I control the servers account which is just blasting into no domain as present I guess. bah...

Hello Sir,

Nice post.

I think this domain name was sold on auction and the new forum was launched. If you have an old version of PokerCrack on your server - I think I can try to restore it. Please PM me.

PokerCodieEs87

01-16-2012, 02:26 AM

Welcome...

poker-man

01-20-2012, 03:08 AM

PokerCrack

01-20-2012, 04:19 AM

what the heck?? I was going to introduce myself but after reading this particular thread, I am thinking wtf did I sign up for? I was looking for poker, not a load of crap and whinging. Am I mistaken? Hello to any sensible people reading this.

This post is from the popular off-topic poster of the previous PokerCrack.com version. I've left him cause some members like to read such things. But certainly the main topic of this forum is POKER. So, poker-man, please introduce yourself.

noscuter1

01-25-2012, 02:36 PM

The following errors occurred with your submission
The text that you have entered is too long (123242 characters). Please shorten it to 10000 characters long.

lolz. Learn to speed-read, I guess. I'm not editing.

what the heck?? I was going to introduce myself but after reading this particular thread, I am thinking wtf did I sign up for? I was looking for poker, not a load of crap and whinging. Am I mistaken? Hello to any sensible people reading this.

This post is from the popular off-topic poster of the previous PokerCrack.com version. I've left him cause some members like to read such things. But certainly the main topic of this forum is POKER. So, poker-man, please introduce yourself.

Hi poker-man, my name is jonny vincent. Prior to posting OT genius all over the world's forums, portals, news article comment sections and blogs (genius that, as it turned out, was a little too insightful to be tolerated by those who confuse poker-men into thinking they should - or even could - compete in a game which is 100% about exploitation - big word, look it up; or if you're too lazy, you should take my word for it and run from poker like an illiterate blonde runs from a 'wall of words' - I'll never insult you, like the IT industry which tells you not to touch something you don't understand, just leave it, unless you know what you're doing - those filthy creeps! Or what? I'd ask them. Would I face a nasty format / reinstall? Gosh. They're more terrified in their 'caring' for you not to investigate your 'system' files than any creep in their 'caring' has ever been. I'm not a creep. I'll tell you to think, for yourself. You should read my arguments and then you tell me if you think you should be competing in a world where there are many players who are surely much better than I was when you would be very ill-advised to compete against me.)

But before I became one of the most insightful OT posters in the world, I was actually one of, if not THE, most prodigious GIVERS of advanced poker strat away.

But only in the entire world. You won't see too many MHSNL players, who answered as many strategy questions as I did - truthfully. And truthfully, I doubt anyone would care to handle the endless offended morons who thought a HSNL player could possibly have a motive to 'denigrate' them. You understand? Motive, I mean.

If you can, you'd be a rare genius in this world of people who cannot. Or pretend they cannot, when they sentence confused 'criminals' to 'rehabilitation' which consists of gang-rape and incarceration rather than education and enlightenment.

I would tell morons all day to give up poker. This was the most honest Truth anyone could ever give them, and you'll only ever be given things of value. Because why would anyone have a motive to sell you value? One would think, if what they knew was valuable, they wouldn't need to sell it - right? One only has to think, instead of dream.

See, the thing that morons can't understand, is that you cannot buy anything of value. And what morons will never understand, is that Truth is in their best interests, and cannot possibly be unpleasant or 'rude'. You can demand I lie to you, but I won't. It's not in my best interests to exploit you. So you can steam and swear and yell and stamp your little feet, but I'm not going to bullshit you - you're not bright enough to not get exploited playing poker. If you play, you will be destroyed by people like me. Trust me. Run. This is "good news". Truth cannot possibly be bad news, ever.

If you're confused, read it again. If you're still confused, answer this question:

Why would anyone who has anything of value - need - to sell it to you?

I'm not saying you cannot learn things from the information sold by those who have a motive to sell, but it's usually a great deal more creepy than morons can imagine (I subscribed to CardRunners and learned a great deal - only watched four videos; but in four videos by some of the best online players in the world at the time, I learned I was brighter than they were; or brighter than they were pretending to be - they were making idiotic mistakes, which I'm not for a moment suggesting I wasn't capable of making; but rather than laugh about how idiotic the mistakes were, Taylor Caby and CTS attempted to use what would have sounded a lot like genius to someone like you [if you could even follow their 'logic]; but to someone who does logic at a very advanced level, it sounded a lot like lol_bullshit - because that's what it was). CTS is no moron, don't misinterpret my point, but he sure did sound like one trying to rationalise why he 3bet A7 rather than AQ in a spot where one of his plays had to be wrong [using his own 'justifications' for making them]. I was not the only player to instantly pick up on this one random example I remember, but the only reason I remember it [from the dozens of examples during these 4 videos where the 'best' players were seemingly incapable of making the logical case for their actions, without sounding like idiots] is because other players started threads 'asking' about it because they were confused. If memory serves, I think CTS came out and corrected the record, admitting his logic was flawed; because he's a pretty decent guy and a brilliant player who didn't need to get 'defensive' because records [and logic] speaks for themselves.

What's my point? I didn't need to start any confused threads. I wasn't confused at all, and I learned from those 4 videos everything I needed to learn in order to break out of the confusion which had been trapping my (somewhat ridiculous, in sheer torque / power) mind from getting anywhere near optimality. I learned, quite simply, that everyone was either full of shit or too stupid to be taken seriously. So I ditched everything I'd 'learned', and went about seeking optimality by simply ignoring everyone who was an 'authority' and talking intelligently instead with intelligent players who could do logic. I stopped trying to look for 'cheat' sheet answers, and started showing my working - basically. And when I do that, watch out. You'd be well-advised to start reading.

A few months later, I broke Cake 5/10nl. A few months after that, you could find me sitting on Prima 5/10nl and 10/20nl on a dozen tables alone, with stacks as high as 20x the max buy-in - with no one willing to sit down (but of course, this was a slight illusion and a trick of perception - if you can't understand why sitting with 20x max is effectively meaningless, you shouldn't ever play poker. Period.)

In completely unrelated (as in, its value is 'standalone') advice, some simple Truth that only a creep would refute. Don't, ever, play deep out of position against a non-moron. You will get destroyed. Fact.

noscuter1

01-25-2012, 02:37 PM

I'm not accusing the CardRunners pros of malice. But then I'm not clearing them of it, either. Their motive for selling what shouldn't ever be sold (in a logical world, because what would be their motive?) would have been irrefutably creepy, but then welcome to reality. If you're confused, you just need to ask yourself the question again:

Why would anyone - sell - anything of value?

Either they had an interest in selling non-valuable information branded as value (and the truth is, I haven't watched nearly enough videos to even begin to speculate let alone assert straight-out that they're being maliciously deceptive; but the four videos I watched were played abysmally, and I have played them all and trust me, CTS is no moron - Taylor Caby I think might have genuinely have been, I don't think he was really playing much by the time he started CR - and it's highly possible CTS was just playing like a moron in the videos I watched, because he either wasn't used to making videos and/or talking his way through a mere fraction of what his brain would process in terms of logic, in a split second before making a decision) - and if that were the case, you obviously would be a victim because malicious disinformation only ever has value for someone capable of identifying it. Like me, but then I often wasn't. I was very confused by idiots talking with authority until I watched those CR vids - experts seemed to make no sense, their logic appeared full of holes, but then I was not confident enough to dispute their assertions.

Always be confident enough to ask people to show their working, when they assert things. And if they cannot, alarm bells should start ringing. You can take that advice to your grave.

I would ask these experts to clarify their arguments which appeared to be nonsense, but they wouldn't be drawn into a discussion on it; leaving me perplexed because I was not asking them thinking they were moronic. I was just confused. But they were moronic. CardRunners cleared up that confusion for me.

Another possible motive for CR selling you value that shouldn't logically be sold is perhaps the most likely of the possible realities: They believed they had an interest in showing players who would never be able to apply the logic and concepts sold, intelligently. And even for the ones that could, they'd always be behind the 8-ball catching up - because poker skill advances at lightning speeds. I'm talking about the mean. I cannot imagine how well players are playing now, but I - imagine - it is almost impossible to win. Oh you'll think that's wrong, but then you need to be careful about your thinking. Make sure you're thinking, intelligently. When I was playing, morons used to think 1000 hands was an acceptable sample size, for determining the World Champion. Non-morons used to think 300,000 hands gave you a pretty good idea.

The reality that no one would listen to, was: You'll never be able to know these things, because millions of hands won't be able to give you a 100% confidence interval. And trying to apply lower confidence intervals to sample sizes that huge always seemed moronic to me. The reality is; winners who are genuinely capable of beating games process so much information they instantly know where they stand, more or less. Losers just feel they should be able to win. They'll never be able to show their working, and when they try, it will always be tragic.

But then I wouldn't laugh at them anymore, or ridicule them like I used to. Ridicule isn't necessarily creepy, but it is arguably malicious. Because I'm not a moron, and I know about the corruption of humanity. Ridiculing someone, is a pretty good way to get them to attempt to 'prove' themselves. So it's malicious and arguably creepy, to ridicule morons. The only non-malicious and non-creepy thing you can do, is educate the confusion away.

But I cannot help you if you cannot read. Because this is a creepy world of strangely illiterate people who - remarkably, if conveniently (but not for them) have no interest in their own best interests. Nothing is more creepy than exploitation. And nothing is more about exploitation than gambling. Either the house exploits your stupidity, or you can play a 'skill' game where the house exploits everyone, and skilled players (like me) exploit whatever the house allows left over after rake (outright theft, at limits below high stakes) and/or 'shortcuts' to greed (outright theft, more likely at high stakes). But then I was posting graphs proving online was rigged long before any "SuperUser" debacle. And way before I was even capable of generating graphs proving the Obvious, I knew the Obvious reality probably before I even played my first poker hand online. You don't need to learn things the hard way, when you're capable of using logic to get there the smart way.

http://i667.photobucket.com/albums/vv39/Scooter_Boris/pokerEV1.jpg

No one is ever going to sell truly valuable information like this, because there is no motive for them to sell it. You cannot make money out of Truth. I had no motive to - prove - what I already knew by virtue of instantly 'appreciating' the idiotic logical fail that has always been, was, and likely still is, the filthy industry's "Safety Guarantee: The house makes so much from running an 'honest' game, why would they - need - to cheat?" - that's literally so god-damn idiotic, if you can't immediately laugh and know the games are rigged after hearing that 'logic' asserted, then you're not bright enough to play. Run. I'm serious.

I'm serious about having no motive to - prove - things to morons (because morons cannot be taught, when they cannot - or will not - read, comprehend or even attempt either), and I had some motive to - not - wasting my time on redundancy, so I had literally no interest in getting into 'debates' about it with people who cannot do logic. I just went about my business of exploiting whatever remained - and there was a lot of money remaining. This world generates idiots far too idiotic to be plausible, but then it was years before I 'solved' that little mystery - which I actually only solved indirectly last month (the gist of which you could read about here (http://www.skatzpoker.com/forums/showthread.php?p=36995), if you were literate and literally capable of comprehending irrefutable logic - but WARNING (lol@warning): You'll need to be literate enough to not need a warning to read information which is irrefutably in your own best interests to read, and understand. And if it's not, by all means genius, refute it).

I became very, very good 'thanks' to CR; very, very quickly - as soon as I realised everyone was lying and/or was clueless. I invented my own 'strategy', driving predictable players insane with check-raising OOP, and in position I destroyed people who arrogantly failed to appreciate the game is really, really dumb - and completely flawed. The power of position makes it almost...boring.

Scratch almost. It is boring, period. When you're playing non-morons. It's pure gambling, which is inherently boring, unless you're confused about statistics and odds and reality. OOP, I became of the most frustrating players you can imagine (this was, of course, my entire game-plan - to frustrate players into losing their minds, and many many did), and by not butchering positional play like so many players (even some of the best pros butcher the most basic things, and I was no exception - but positional play was not one of my weak spots) I somewhat rapidly (after years of awkward stop/start stuttering) became one of the most feared MHSNL online pros - and that's saying something, but then I'm not bragging. I really couldn't possibly have a motive, either then (when I would only have a motive for doing?) or now (when I have a motive, for doing literally anything but helping you - if you listen to Society, that is). I know better than Society what my motives are, and I do what makes me happy. So I help people who are confused about poker and life. I will not help you become unconfused by giving you advanced poker strat anymore - I couldn't even if I wanted to, I haven't played in years. But when I was very, very good - I gave some players priceless information.

As in, you could not ever buy it because no one who had it could have a motive to sell it. Do you see?

And this forum, prior to Roy selling or not selling the domain - for all I know, there's an email in my 9600 unanswered Inbox informing me, but I don't care to read my Inbox because it's full of people who want me to lie to them. And/or who want my assistance but then not if I'm going to bore them with Truth about why I'm unusually late in providing unreciprocated assistance to them. I like to help people. It's the only time I'm ever happy. But then I do not like to help scum. Or morons. Or people who cannot be helped, because they want you to lie to them. That's the definition of misery. I will not, and you couldn't - literally - pay me enough. I've done that shit before - made a couple million USD in short order, and very nearly killed myself in misery at having been so gullible I fell for their cheeky - if retarded - scam.

Money cannot buy you happiness.

They will tell you this. It is (logical) fact. But then they will tell you this only once they've made you want things, that money can buy. You don't actually want these things, you just think you do. So until you get them, no one will be able to tell you anything. At which point, they tell you (because they know people like me are going to) the half-truth; which everyone knows and no one believes: money cannot buy you happiness.

What they don't tell you, is the whole Truth. And the god damn Truth of their scam is: Money will buy you misery.

Fact.

noscuter1

01-25-2012, 02:38 PM

I made a lot of money, very easily and in horror, I realised quickly I was scammed. But I was trapped, just like any winner has ever been. I'd sacrificed (or believed I had) a great many things. I'd become heavily invested in their scam, and when you're invested you tend to throw good life after bad. It's Econ 101 logic, which is more than I can say for all of Econ 101 (Invisible Hand? lol, what a moronic idea - this is what I said when I was 17, damn near failed Economics on Day 1 - but I'm a creep, so I fell into 'line' and gave the 'educators' the idiocy they were looking for, in order to achieve high marks. And I've always been about merit. Strangely, I never really felt worthy of it.

But then you won't, when you're being a non-stop creep like that. And this world, will never hand out merit entirely meritoriously.

But I earned a lot of 'merit' and misery, and a couple million of the easiest USD ever made - beating winners of games between winners and winners, who all beat the winners of other games between winners and so on. And I was lying to myself, of course; telling myself this was okay. I was not exploiting anyone; bullying a few Scandis and geniuses. Right?

lol. I can do logical fails. But then it would be nice if someone pointed mine out to me, rather than forcing me to correct them the hard way. At the end of a chain of exploitation, you will only ever find millions (or billions) of exploited victims.

And at the other end of the chain - and this is insight you can get killed for - you will only ever find a tiny handful of exploited victims.

That's correct. Well done. You 'solved' how - not - to be happy: you're ahead of 7 billion people failing at logic, trying to hurt and clamber over each other, exploit whomever they can, inching their way in a direction they imagine is up. Hurting everyone they meet, along the way. Creating a miserable world of misery. And this should be easy to disprove if I'm wrong. Show me "happiness"! Use examples, or use logic. Show your working. Point out anyone who you think is "happy" to me. Let's discuss it.

The Truth will always want to discuss things. Those who lie won't be drawn into a debate. Fact.

I was beating a lot of 'champions' day in and day out, but then I was beating up on one 'champion' non-stop, simultaneously. First, I should clarify that if you think MHSNL is dominated by champions, you're wrong. MHSNL is dominated by 'champions' who are creepy enough to let you think whatever you want to think, but they would be idiotic to play other 'champions' when there could only ever be one of those - and I'm not that guy, and here's the ironic thing; neither is that guy. But I couldn't expect you to understand it, but I might briefly discuss illusions of good players at some point.

You'd think I was a champion when you'd be wrong; I was just a very brilliant player whom other brilliant players (some almost as brilliant, some more brilliant than me - but they might not realise it, or care enough about tiny edges to exploit when players like you [or - more accurately - players like you, but very rich {or maybe they just took out another mortgage, you see?} who were very sick / twisted / bored] were splashing about elsewhere. And there is almost always players like this splashing about somewhere. You just have to be creepy enough to hunt them down. Optimal enough, I mean. You need to understand optimal / intelligent / creepy - these are all synonyms.

Champions do not beat champions to become champion. I mean, it's possible in theory but no one has a big enough edge to make the sentiment even sane. The reality is that 'champions' merely let players who want to beat champions, take their shot against them. They're being kinda creepy, obviously; and I was very good at repping being the best; and then snickering when someone brilliant came along cause I'd just hand that 'value-less' title to him, and kick along. Creeps do not play champions, especially when there are morons lining up to play those they believe are champions. Morons who want to "be the best" so that's why they try and beat the best. I wonder where they got such a stupid idea from, but chances are if you cannot work out "motive" for that one, you should probably noose yourself. Truth.

People who are confused about the dark side of winning, the ugly reality of "whatever it takes", and things like that; will simply never be anything but victims. They will never be champions because they're too stupid to realise champions don't play each other, unless it's for show / fake / forced or for some other (usually 'classified' / hidden) reason. You know what that creep is doing to Manny Pacquiao all this time, for years now? He's being a Champion. Welcome to the creepy reality.

Pacman would destroy him, if boxing wasn't a completely corrupted joke. But then Pacman's team has the luxury of having a freak champion to field. Everyone except morons and the history books know how creepy stalling a challenge in boxing is, but then nothing about this is new or even remotely obscure in boxing - because it's idiotic corruption, by definition. It's corrupted by Spam. Marketing. Promotion. Bullshit.

Your fault. Most people are too moronic to spot the creeps. So the 'Champ' creep his way to a bout when Manny is less likely to destroy him - and he'll find optimality between the purse and the destruction / creation of legacy. Legacy is worthless shit, really. When you see old guys worrying about it, you know they've made deals with devils. And they're getting queer suddenly, after a lifetime of exploiting. Theory.

If you think to be the best, you have to beat the best, you'll never even be good - let alone be, incorrectly or correctly, believed to be the best. No one knows who the best is, and no one who isn't moronic even cares. They just win. If they're exceptionally professional, they'll win by being exceptionally creepy. If they're exceptionally good but exceptionally incapable of doing the creepy things required to find optimality in a creepy world (endlessly changing account names, to reset values and history to 0.00 / Unknown - hunting down whales - etc), they'll just play anyone; like I was doing for awhile repping superiority.

And then, unless you run into hidden Power (far less 'hidden' to exceptionally advanced pros, than it would seem to you), you will be forced to smirk and back away quickly (as I did often, when very brilliant players were bored enough to take me on and found out they had a greater disparity in skill than they'd previously believed) or - as I found when I couldn't find any players willing to exploit their marginal advantage/s for whatever reason - you wouldn't be able to get a game - at all. Deal.

Or no deal, in reality. Instant sit-outs. These guys aren't crazy. Neither was I. This image is a fallacy, albeit real (of course). I was furious because there was a genuine whale on this table, and this game had been going for hours whilst I was on the waiting list and then - finally - a good player left (normally, you wait for a game where the whale leaves or is busted - at which point the game breaks) and I cheered because - trust me - this seat layout for these 6 players is $$$ for me. Probably only me. But I'm not the best player at that table, when I took that screenshot. The best player instantly sat out, because he's not a moron. At his cue, the next best players quickly sat out. The whale was the last to sit out, hesitantly. Guess he wasn't as stupid as he seemed, or maybe he just didn't like HU. Whatever which way, I got screwed by non-moronic reality. But I got a cute screenshot, to whine about how I couldn't ever get a game - which was partly true, because by then I just wanted to play - I needed to play - without playing, I had nothing to distract away my pain with. I was - never - addicted to poker. But you could have been forgiven for thinking I was - I was merely addicted to pain relief.

Ironically, and you would be doing yourself a great disservice if you didn't spend some time thinking about this, you could say the same for every junkie in the world. We're all addicted to pain relief. And there are 7 billion junkies - most with multiple addictions. The most common addiction is a dependency on emotional validation; and there is nothing more creepy - or as insulting - as compliments. Fact.

http://i667.photobucket.com/albums/vv39/Scooter_Boris/20000nlsitouts.jpg

noscuter1

01-25-2012, 02:39 PM

iPoker was one of the last 'legit' networks which is why I played there. I knew I wasn't a SuperUser, and any SuperUser would obviously have played me. And I played many. Eventually, many on iPoker - but when this screenshot was taken the higher stakes games were largely clean. Logically. In being unable to get a game, at least until the SUs came, I could use logic to my advantage. And I did. And I always have.

Because logic will never let you down. Ever. Your mother, in failing to raise you on a strict diet of logical case-making for why you should do things in your own best interests, let you down - quite badly, in fact. But then people get weird about their mothers, so whatever.

I have always been very strong on logic. But I was never happy. And I have literally never - ever - been moronic enough to fail to correctly interpret the billboards of misery that are "bling". I've known I was brighter than almost everyone since the age of 5. I've only ever exploited that painful reality twice (with cute girls, when I got tired of sleeping alone after 6 years of refusing to play creepy games which aren't - remotely - complex [but which have no winners, mind - just losers, and losers who think they've lost everything] - and the second time was with poker, when I got tired of breaking my back [literally] working double shifts 6-7 days a week at 16/hr before tax and 10/hr no tax after 'conscientiously' objecting [lol @ conscience] to my dying in WWIII). As an RAAF Intelligence Officer with a commission from the Queen to lead her cannon-fodder into suicidal wars of insanity like Iraq (which is where I was headed, and with no WMD - French Intelligence effectively told the world Dubya was lying, and they simply couldn't possibly have dared to make that assertion if they weren't 100% sure Iraq had no WMD), I simply and completely rationally believed Iraq was merely the pretext for WWIII. As it turned out, Bush Cheney and Rumsfeld were merely provable traitors (reference: CIA, 10 years after being complicit in treason, mind) who were apparently just interested in profit and power. I wonder if they're happy?

Would you be, in their position?

They were confused, and probably still are. But then I don't think I've ever seen any of them happy. I would bet they're all in denial. They were never happy when they were lying to a nation who - remarkably, after 9/11 - still didn't want war. But power believed otherwise. And power fools morons very easily, French Intelligence notwithstanding. I think they were just interested in the oldest profit-making trick in the book:

Knock it down.
Be there to control who gets to build it back up.
Would you look at that, they happen to know the guys with the only store (allowed) in town.

It likely wouldn't have made much difference to me, even had I known it wasn't going to be WWIII. Because I was a proud yella-belly - because I'm sane? And not a moronic patriot, who dies for Queens and Gods but never - will never - die for country, because dying for a plantation is not in the best interests of a slave. Not even in defence from very confused invading slaves. Unless they're maniacal slaves with no motive except homicidal rage? Pretty sure that only happens in Africa. But then NATO will bring freedom to Libyan jihadists (and make Libya a Sharia State - well done, NATO Freedom Fighters! Talk about success at illogic) but NATO cannot even manage a fly-by half an hour south of Libya - and that's a pity, because that's all it would have taken to drive home to machete-wielders that NATO wouldn't be tolerating any of that shit - it's literally that simple, or do you think NATO couldn't kill a dumb African warlord recruiting an army of children? They could do that shit, with a yawn. And if they did that shit every time a warlord started recruiting armies of children (or their fathers, ideally), no one would want to be a genocidal warlord because no one wants to be dead. Fact.

NATO isn't interested in freedom. But only because they're very confused and they think they're interested in the opposite. They're geniuses, and that's a real pity. Because morons are too smart to listen to anyone. So imagine trying to tell geniuses that they're junkies, in denial. Pretty sure that's how you become a dead junkie, just quietly. But then I just do Truth. And prove my assertions, with logic. They're all junkies, addicted to power. And they're confused because everyone wants happiness. Fact.

And they have somehow gotten to believe it's in their interests to roll millions of marbles against the millions of marbles of other plantation owners. In retarded games of power, no one can win. But hundreds of millions, or billions in reality, all end up losing. No war has ever been in the best interests of either a marble or a marble-thrower. But a marble-thrower can be forgiven for believing otherwise.

Not sure what excuse the marbles have. But then you realise I'm only talking about you; or I would be, if you're a patriot, or a nationalist, a racist or heroic / courageous / or whatever other idiotic slur they use to blur the fact that people should only ever act in their own best interests. And that would include the interests of humanity as a whole, because this is not some hippy shit; humanity is one, and I can prove it. Your DNA screams at you, to look away; when humans of any colour - or even animals for that matter - are slaughtered, injured needlessly and/or in horrifying pain.

This world needs to listen to their DNA, and become selfish again. Because time is running out on the clock.

No war has ever been in humanity's best interests. You cannot kill people to be happy. This shouldn't be that insightful a concept. But nationalistic bullshit gets involved. And confused all the logic. And heroes get slaughtered by the hundreds of millions in defence of or creation of a superior 'culture' or 'way of life'. The only superior way of life is happiness. There are no superior cultures; merely hundreds of inferior ones. Fact. And fact.

In WWII, Polish heroes were slaughtered resisting the Third Reich heroically. Poor bastards. I'm not talking about the heroes, I'm talking about the victims of the furious German reprisals. Because the Germans didn't understand a lot of this patriotism, even when they were the biggest victims of the "plantation delusion". The Germans wanted to create a better world, a superior world, their world - as it happens (as it usually does). The Poles were aiight, or they believed they were. So they resisted, ferociously. And then they weren't aiight. You might say that. When WWIII comes, no matter who the 'enemy' or 'enemies' are, you would be well-advised not to go and get slaughtered like a Pole when The Third Reich had no interest in destroying what they planned to rule. Morons give France 'shit' for rolling over in a day, but then the Maginot Line performed about as well against the Blitzkreig as anything was going to. England was saved by the Channel, and by eventual US 'involvement' in the war they were never not going to be involved in, because it was global? lol. Russia was saved by virtue of Moscow and Stalingrad being geographically located 'illogically' far from the rest of the European capitals, and the German supply lines got extended in ways that wouldn't have mattered actually, were it not for 38 million Russian patriots being sacrificed in defence of (....?....) "the pre-WWII Russian way of life, I guess" - do you get the point? It's kind of gallows funny, but for at least those 38 million Russians who died, they'd provably have been better off - not - dying. Russia? It's hard to say, and it would be a philosophical question relating to whether you care about plantations or humanity. But Germany was not going to win the war on the Russian Front. So you could make the argument 38 million Russians died pointlessly, in defence of a plantation which got very ugly with it's slaves when the German advancing lines (with lines of supply in tatters) stalled against Russian defensive positions (behind which, cities were starving). The result? Millions of humans killed in waves of suicidal attrition, but then they weren't suicidal. Which is why officers were 'forced' to line up machine guns behind the 'heroes' who thought better of dying pointlessly.

Officers were compelled to kill their own men, who thought better of being 'heroic'. But you're never forced to do anything, I don't think. God, I hope they don't feel the need to correct me on that. I mean to say, that officers had a choice between killing their own men or dying (at worst). Demotion (at best). They killed their own men; and the more ruthlessly they killed them, the less they had to kill. Life is full of little ironies like that. But then of course, we all die in the end. 38 million of us died defending 'Russia' in WWII. You'll have to make a pretty good argument to convince me that it was in Russia's best interest to lose 38 million young men. I thought, very briefly, when visiting Moscow - that the argument had been made, successfully. But the truth was, I simply hadn't slept with many pretty girls - or any remotely as pretty as Russian girls are. Connect the dots.

Welcome to realities of war. I knew all this, of course, prior to applying to fly the jets of Spam. I just wanted to impress girls. This is how moronic I was, but then it's not as moronic as it sounds because Spam gets awfully queer and I was looking at RAAF jets when a Navy recruiting officer convinced me the RAN would be better to fly for. I'd seen Top Gun. So obviously I knew the Navy had jets.

noscuter1

01-25-2012, 02:40 PM

Well, it never became obvious to me, until it was too late to apply to fly for the RAAF. But even with idiocy such as mine, I beat out tens of thousands of brilliant kids (many of whom were more brilliant, and more 'deserving' - on merit) than I was. And I was sent to Tamworth, where I bumped into reality. I'd never even driven a car - there were kids there, who'd been flying solo for years. It was ridiculous that I was even putting instructors' lives in danger or given control of aircraft - but there I was. 17 and with a hangover from Schoolies, doing circuits and aerobatic maneuvers. Arguably successfully. Well, I'm alive so...

I'll never really know how lucky we were. My instructors and I. But I got airsick a lot, and they didn't. But our faces often seemed equally ashen coming in for debriefs.

I don't know if that's why they agreed to bend the rules for me, somewhat unethically but then I do have some 'advantages' which aren't entirely advantageous. But knowing I had no chance of 'qualifying' (it was outrageous that I was even placed in that position, but then I got there using the same tricks), with only two flights left I got a medical leave to defer and come back - which was ridiculously unfair, because there is a reason why the policy ostensibly only allows one shot at Flight Screening. If I went back, having done it already. I would have literally steamrolled everyone, completely unfairly. All my training flights could be tailored for the entire program of testing. It was outrageous that they even agreed. I was outraged, and in shock - when I'd devised this cunning plan primarily in desperation but hardly seriously. I was horrifying myself, consistently; I seemed to have an ability to make people do outrageous things. I was convincing people to give me outrageously unfair advantages, which I wasn't entirely sure I even wanted. Because who wants merit when it's been manipulated? I didn't. But then I did. It was complex. I was confused.

I was also in denial. Because I used these manipulative tricks very effectively and without any shame whatsoever, to survive for a decade of religious insanity. Then I forgot to ditch the lifeboat, when I put my feet on 'dry' land. I continually achieved and 'gamed' the system on account of this "X factor" that I tried to deny the existence of (that should have been a clue); but with so many people noticing it and pointing it out audibly, without being able to put their finger on it...I became creepily creeped out by the whole thing but I couldn't hardly deny it - so in denial, I just assumed I was 'personable' or something. I wasn't that far off. Do you know what being personable means? Diplomatic? Well-liked? Popular? I became all those things.

And the entire time, I felt impossibly creepy. It was strange, but it shouldn't have been. To be any one or all of those things, you have to be a creep. It wasn't until I was 29 when I realised what this whole "X factor" bullshit was. I was manipulating people. I was never more than an exceptionally brilliant little creep. But then I'd been trained by the best creeps in the business, inadvertently. Religious Middle Men of God, who wanted to 'care' for me.

Initially, I used these traits to survive a ruthless environment where almost everyone was 'cared' for - and I simply couldn't allow such a thing, and this was very important to me. I managed to survive 'successfully' for 14 years (Google "Children of God" if you're intrigued - it will be another 50 years before I'll ever Google such a thing). But I never threw those traits away, when I escaped into Reality. Which wasn't that different from the cult, but then I did what I thought I had to do to survive high school (which was a mistake, because those cheeky bastards were just faking happiness) - would you believe it? I literally couldn't have imagined anyone could be moronic enough to have a motive to fake such a thing! But you better believe it. This is the moronic world we live in, and I bought their idiocy hook, line and very nearly sunk 200 or so times trying to be 'popular' - I'm officially the worst surfer alive, in history - and I'm not sure exactly how I lived, quite frankly; because I very nearly didn't, but only 200 or so times in succession attempting to deny the reality, which was - quite 'embarrassingly' - that I needed help. It's a strange world where someone would get embarrassed, at needing help - don't you think?

How are we doing on motive, over there? Can you come up with a motive, that might explain such a peculiarity?

I was the world's worst surfer, in history. Because I was so terrified, I was incapable of - not - being sane. And that's insane, when you're surfing and don't know what you're doing. I would fail the Moment of Truth I didn't know about, every single time. And get punished for it, brutally at times, almost every single time. But I was too ashamed (interesting, no?) to ask friends for lessons, and I had friends who were very good surfers; never mind that, I could figure it all out on my own. This is what I believed, quite irrefutably; and I very nearly died for this insanity, only 200 or so times.

I know 7 billion people who have made a similar error of logic. They believe they should fight the Game of Life, alone. Hmm. Pretty sure that's what I'd convince you all to do, if I was planning to exploit the entire world. What do you think? If you do...

I'm not sure I ever caught a single wave. Because at the worst moment in the world to become sane, I would 'sanely' back out of committing when I should have been bright enough to figure out was - after - the Moment of Truth. I was committed, and once committed, you cannot back out without paying the Piper. But it's not insane, to think you can - or 'know' you should. It's just a contradiction that you cannot, and shouldn't - but life is full of ironic contradictions. Staring down, whilst perched at the peak of waves I'd almost caught or probably could with a last second effort, I'd look at my drop zone if I made a mistake - exposed coral, sand banks under 2 inches of water, jagged rocks and so forth - and I'd go the other way. I'd run back into the Russian machine guns, if I was at Stalingrad. I wouldn't be able to help myself. I'd just run and run until someone's bullet got me. I'm not sure I'd care which side, and when you can understand how that is sane - you'll understand the reality of heroic dying for Royalty or Religion. I'm not sure anyone has ever died for Country. You'd have to make a good argument, if you disagree.

You don't have to make a good argument, for why you cannot back out of insanity, once you've been committed. I've tried that, 200 or so times. Amazingly, I lived. Oh it's amazing, or you don't understand what exposed coral in a drop zone does to the human body. It gave me hints, often; of its capacity. You cannot flirt with stupidity like that very often, and live to talk about it. No one is insane enough. But then you're not a winner like I am, or you wouldn't understand why I did it 200 times.

I wasn't happy. So I did what it took to win. Over time, in searching for the value of X in the formula 7 billion people are trying to solve:

You + X = Happiness

...I somehow got it into my head that X = $. So the formula became Me + US$1 million = Happiness, somewhat arbitrarily. It was just what I needed, okay?! No one ever challenged my goals and dreams. I was never forced to defend any of them. They all just encouraged me. Or if they didn't, I cut them out of the way. Loose weight, obviously. How dare they stand between my dreams and me. Clearly, loose ballast. I threw a lot of good friends and some girls I didn't deserve, overboard.

They were getting in the way. I had no time for their dumb time-wasting. I wouldn't be drawn into a discussion about my happiness, or what I needed to do to get it. I decided the value of X was US$1,000,000. So I went and got that shit. Actually, I went substantially past that point, but only because I wasn't sure I wanted to die. And I'd already won enough BS dreams and won enough BS Xs to believe, there was no X. I just kept running past the finish line, for a few months. Not in denial. Just unwillingness to accept, that I had made a horrible mistake - or to be more accurate, a lifetime of them. I no longer believed happiness was even possible; at least, not for me. I'd had my chances, I told myself. I looked back at what - and whom - I'd sacrificed along the way. And after having won for almost two decades straight (ignoring a few ripples, along the way) - in pain and unwilling to live in misery any longer - I decided I would not be chasing BS X idiocies anymore.

It was arguably the sanest moment of my life since I'd escaped the insanity of the CoG. But I wasn't - entirely - sane. I was merely unwilling to change X to 10 million, then what? 100 million? Then what? A billion? This is literally what people in denial are doing all over the world. I was unwilling to suffer any longer. Which meant, I was a 26 yr old millionaire with one of the finest minds alive (but then this has always been painfully terrifying, for reasons an idiot wouldn't understand - which is why I envied idiots my entire life, idiotically), nauseatingly popular or 'popular' (and it truly is nauseating how they're almost identically the same thing) that a great deal of my unhappiness was the result of being forced to reject 90% of applicants who simply assume they're your next best friend. Or at least, they'll act this way.

They get so ugly when you bring them to Reality, that you can forget that the most of the 10% you have allowed into your 'inner circle' (whatever that means, for whom) are equally as horrifying as those you sent packing on their way. They're equally as insane / terrifying / inhumane. Fact.

noscuter1

01-25-2012, 02:41 PM

But then I already knew this, which is why I'd fled overseas. I was running away from everyone, because humans are terrifying things when they're frantic. They get hysterical, and I'm not talking about being funny. They get hysterical that makes you want to slap sense into them, or run for safety from them. It's always hard to know, I default to running away. So at 26, terrified of humanity, continually rejecting applicants who imagined their friendship would be desirable when they struck up small talk (and might have been, if they hadn't insulted me to 'break the ice'), being stalked by Ralph models (which isn't something most would identify with terror, but then these were very pretty girls who were the literal dice of their entire extended families - I'd just slept with them because they were hot, suddenly I'd get 100 unanswered calls and texts of 'caring' - in a fortnight - they wanted to know if I'd eaten, they wanted to remind me to eat? They wanted to get some sleep, so they'd wake me up - constantly. They wanted to tell me they loved me, then - embarrassed - they would renege on their love. The only embarrassing thing was the insanity of loving someone you'd met, and then slept with an hour later. Oh and then messaged 100 SMSs to, concerned about their eating habits. Ostensibly. I understood what was going on, or at least; I figured it out rapidly. I was so terrified, I stopped leaving my apartment for months at a time. Some of the prettiest girls you'd ever see, but I was terrified of all of them. It's hardly their fault, they merely wanted to "catch" someone who could provide for their religious, destitute families who'd rolled all their collective dice on these girls' looks, and they only had a limited time, you see? And because I'm not a pedophile, I realised - some of these unfathomably pretty girls, believed they were nearing the end of the line.

They were pretty old, of course. 19, etc. 20. But this is a very confused world, and the ever-confused queue for purity is the subject for another essay. They were at the end of their imagined 'attractive opportunity timeframe' - this is the important point. And my skin colour qualified me. Period. They fell in love not with my personality, and I literally understood the horrific reality instantly. They fell in love because I'd slammed the door in their faces without realising it. They'd horrified me into slamming shut every door, and every girl was losing their fucking minds. This is the dark nature of human corruption that no one hardly talks about. They were not falling for me. They were stalking me, obsessed. Their obsession was generated by their own insanity, literally and figuratively. I'd have married half these girls, if they were sane. I am - and will always be - incapable of returning an SMS of caring or mothering, if we barely know each other. Too creepy for me. I just run.

They were under a lot of pressure, of course. And they weren't all idiots. Some were really heart-breaking, when they beat themselves up knowing they'd made a mistake. But then what could I tell them, that they hadn't? I'd have not messaged back anyway? I didn't know what to say, when their stalking would get really interactive. And heart-breaking. I tried giving some of them money, but then that wasn't intelligent - in hindsight. You don't want to send signals - quite - that mixed, to insanity. I didn't do that more than a couple times. Poor girls. And poor me. I could only imagine how terrifying my life would be if I was someone who flashed "bling". You see, they knew my skin colour meant I could afford to feed their families in a nation where 90 million victims of religion are divided into the haves (less than 1%) and the have-nots (99%) and 70% of the have-nots lived on under $2/day. If they'd known I was a kid millionaire...I think I'd probably be dead. I was afraid for my life, a few times; and no male family members ever felt the need to get involved. This is more than I can say for some friends, who promptly raced home in terror. Logical fail, or did they think they'd scare love into them?

I shuddered, at the thought - at every thought. I got tired of shuddering non-stop; so I turned off the news. But the shuddering didn't stop. I still had friends, and the only place I ever found peace was on forums giving poker advice to kids who weren't moronic victims of their mothers. Kids who could be told "that's moronic, that play - what you should have done is xxx, for yyy reasons" without falling apart and getting bum-hurt. Many players did exactly that. And instantly, I did the kindest thing I could possibly do. I'd tell them they should give up poker. No one who fails logic that badly should ever play. It's a brutal game. Only a creep would suggest those who get bum-hurt at being told something unoffensive, but imagined by them to be somehow 'mean'; could even stand a chance. They'd get destroyed. I'd tell them this. They'd get horrified.

They wanted me to lie to them. I couldn't possibly see why that would be in my interests. So I didn't.

I'd never been very good at lying. I merely manipulated the truth occasionally, when I was up against the odds and felt I 'needed' to. So I sold my hardship to those who gave me clues they were the pitying time, as stoic or dignified / heroic. I'm not sure it was ever any of those things. I was just surviving. To those who I believed were the sort to respond to a man's man, I faked a remarkably convincing incorrigible rogue. To those who I believed were the sort to respond to sensitivity, I became embarrassingly White Knight or, as I wouldn't have put it to them at the time - quite as delicately - I became hilariously faggot. But then I'd never met one, I just hated them on principle - concerned I might be one. Don't fight the logic of fear.

There isn't any. That's why fear is illogical. But then I'm not being insightful. JFK nailed that insight. I recognised it, when I read it, as one of the most brilliant things I'd ever read. A decade later, I understood it for the first time. I thought JFK was making a point about heroism or something, which he ironically paid the price for, or something. It wasn't until I was 29 when I understood what JFK meant about fear; he didn't mean there aren't dangers, of course we all live at the pleasure of powers we cannot even fathom. JFK was saying, it's moronic to fear what you have no control over. Because in fearing, you become controllable. You become exploitable. You become more afraid.

If you fear, you will be made to be afraid.

Terrified poker players were so easily cut up, it was truly horrifying. Sit down at a table afraid, and you'd probably lost the game right there. Don't get confused, by the idiotic 'corollary'. You cannot win, simply by "being in it, to win it" and by being fearless. You can totally win, playing that way - but then you'll have to be pretty lucky. You almost cannot win, period; if you're too terrified to make a play. I've literally bombed out of tourneys, countless times; being blinded out until it was too late to even get my stack in to run it. This was in the days where I knew how to play, quite well; but the insane pressure I was placing on myself meant I literally forgot I even knew how to play, on occasion. I'm serious. I was chip leader in events like the Ladbrokes 2000 quid entry in Tallinn, Estonia in like 2006 or something. The best field of players I'd ever seen; but then I was right at home - I played these guys every day online. I was chip leader with 10 left and 8 were coming back the next day. I didn't come back. I went out 10th, literally blinding out as short stacks won dozens of consecutive all-ins. In a row. It was hilarious. I forgot poker. I'm 100% serious. I forgot I knew how to play. I might have been - on paper - the best player in the field. But you're not going to do very well - in reality - when you're so afraid you become dysfunctional. You won't play a very good game, no matter how well you can play - on paper.

It's funny. But 7 billion people could use that advice, for the Game of Life.

That's why they killed JFK, and in dying, he proved his point. But everyone got confused. And started doing exactly what he warned them was pointless, which is why the manner in which he was killed was as important to confused power/s as the 'fact' that he had to die. He died for trying to explain away your imbecilic confusion. But then everyone got confused. Everyone became afraid, and he was the last non-traitor President the US has had. Even Jackie became a whore. Oh yOu knOw what I'm talking about. But maybe that's unfair. Maybe she was really in love the 2nd time around?

Hah.

I wonder how impressively - or how often - she had to fake it. Everyone fakes it. This world is moronic, and stopped being sane a long time ago. Pretty sure we were all sane once. We got to the top of a pretty important food chain, by listening to our DNA. We're no longer at the top of that food chain, wake up and look around. Humans are being slaughtered by the tens of millions by a confused new breed: junkies, who've forgotten they're human. And humanity has never been more inhumane.

noscuter1

01-25-2012, 02:42 PM

Everyone is faking. It's ridiculous. Everyone is in denial. Almost no one is happy. I've known more kid millionaires (and silver-haired millionaires trying to relive their youth) than surely anyone else - because poker was a freak scourge which I'm unconvinced wasn't a conspiratorial "Brain Drain" - most kid millionaires I knew had big dreams as children; dreams where they contributed, changed the world for the better, became doctors, architects, politicians who cared about their electorate's best interests - no politician who was that 'stupid' would even make the starting line of the race, presently. Corruption is out of control the point where if you prove corruption irrefutably, they call you a 'conspiracy theorist' - what? What kind of counter-argument to logic, is that?

The only kind, when logic is irrefutable. Think about it.

I've known so many kid millionaires who wanted to be something better. And so did I. They were as ashamed as I was, about using their minds to exploit rather than create; we were creating misery rather than manufacturing happiness - and everyone - literally everyone - was miserable. You cannot fail logic that badly and not feel ashamed to the point of denial, and that's where everyone who creates misery ends up; in denial.

Including me, but then for whatever reasons, I was less enthusiastic about marketing the illusion of happy (i.e. faking it) than others in my position. Probably because no one in the world has ever been in my position. All I knew was I was not happy, and that's putting it mildly. I was quite miserable, and horrified by a humanity which no longer seemed human. Everyone is so obsessed with wanting what they can't have, and joking about their insanity ("giggle, I always do end up going for the 'bad' boys" - Bad? You moron. You go for who treats you mean. It's got nothing to do with 'naughty' and everything to do with 'insanity'). I wasn't deluded, about my 'preferences'. I believed I was insane, for preferring greener grass. I seemingly preferred to be miserable, and by 26 I had had quite enough. I was no longer sure there was any logic in faking happiness. I'm not sure I ever believed there could be. But when faced with unknowns, I hedge when it matters a lot to me.

So I alternated between faking it, and being - quite nobly, in hindsight - incredibly revealing. In person, I faked it - constantly. I convinced myself - arguably correctly, but then not really - that faking happiness was my duty to those around me who wanted me to make them happy. Almost, but not quite logical. You shouldn't share your misery, when there isn't any point to doing so. Just like you should share your misery, if you desperately need to be - and can be - helped. You shouldn't fake happiness, for miserable people who expect it of you. Just tell those emo creeps to get screwed.

But in writing, I was brutally honest - with almost everyone, including me. I revealed a great deal, I believed it was my duty to shatter the delusions of morons who thought I was living the dream. I was living their dreams, yes. I was living in a nightmare, partly of their making. Dreamers who cannot take reality who idolise you and demand that you lie to them, are really quite horrifying. But it was primarily dreamers who have the capacity to emulate you, who idolise you, that frightened my apathy into proactively "correcting the record". I don't know if I was able to, but I revealed more about life in the "dream lane" than anyone else I've ever really seen or heard about. I started writing one of the world's most revealing blogs; but I'm not sure anyone even got the endless hints. The entire blog became my "get out of culpability" clause which I felt was needed as a result of meeting some children completely capable of surpassing my 'achievements'. I didn't know what to tell them, but the truth. I would help them, but with endless warnings that I didn't think they were being all that bright in pursuing this reality. My reality.

The thought that I might 'inspire' children to follow their deluded dreams like I had done, made my blog...interesting. Arguably. But I also tried to be as amusing as I was capable of being, when suffering existential pain. I did as best as I was capable of, but I never thought my blog was very funny; but then this is a world in a lot of pain. And people loved it. Because - I think - honesty is secretly or subconsciously craved by everyone in this world of idiotic lies and deceit (even if none of you realise it, what with your small talk and your offence and all your screaming at everyone to "LIE TO ME!"). A lot of people started reading it; which was fine by me, because I had something to say: I wasn't happy. I got scammed. Here is the reality of my miserable existence in this world of petty dreamers. Here's the evidence, the proof. Money can't buy you happiness. I have money. Look what it buys me every day; insanity.

People loved it. I don't think anyone even got it.

I talked about all the tilt of my frustrations with moronic and petty humans every day, who were incapable of acting in their own best interests; but who all believed they were impossibly crafty. I pretended to be ironically petty and occasionally moronic, which was becoming less and less like the reality it never was, every day. I would write rants about imbeciles that would steal the molten out of my chocolate cakes (the highlight of my day, effectively; which they were stealing from me, idiotically - because I wasn't going to just keep buying cakes, was I? They never think that far, humans I mean) and no one understood I was writing silliness with an underlying subtext that wasn't remotely silly at all. I just knew no one would be interested in reading about macroeconomics, or why a moron who thinks they're so crafty because they steal chocolate molten in the kitchen of a Chili's restaurant isn't really being all that crafty, are they? Sure, they have plausible deniability. And what will that be worth when the store goes bankrupt because customers like me were leaving in droves. Morons would lose their jobs, and blame the economy or management or whatever they want to blame when they're too stupid to understand that they're not being crafty by shooting themselves in the foot. But who ever understands these things, in this world of confused bi-polar Orwellian wannabes. I know how shit goes down, in reality. Frustrated morons get drunk at their uselessness, and their inability to provide for their families which they shouldn't have had in the first place; because they take out their frustration and shame on their children / wives / girlfriends:

Don't be horrified. Welcome to the world of domestic violence. What else did you think that shit was about? Pretty sure these guys aren't bright enough to be running game on their wives. Pretty sure everyone is perfectly horrifying when they are surprised at the victims of domestic violence, being unwilling to leave.

Pretty sure, the only thing that separates a victim of domestic violence and someone surprised at why the victim doesn't leave, is a violent partner. Theory.

I created a blog with the express purpose of showing people the realities of their dreams, and I was brutally honest. And no one got it. Literally, no one got it, in years. But thousands - tens of thousands - loved it, so I kept on writing but my heart wasn't in it because people are too moronic to be plausible. And fans will threaten you when they feel let down or disappointed. Which made me laugh, occasionally enough to ramble something silly. And they'd be 'appeased', but then of course they were not being indirectly manipulative - they were just too desperate and tragic to be plausible. And of course, when you deal in truth (and I was not dealing in truth, entirely - I don't think I ever lied, unless I was lying to myself, but I was lying a lot via omission of truths I knew - but then my blog was never intended to be suicidal) - the realities of that is you make a lot of people who are dealing in deceit, angry. But then I was only ever being arguably decent, even with the ones that would get angry at my 'problem' with their exploitation.

noscuter1

01-25-2012, 02:43 PM

So in being arguably the most decent I was capable of being (what with my inability to do comedy, without resorting to a tone something like sneering or ridicule) to people like the Hachem brothers (who are vastly more decent than their haters would have you believe - and I was never a hater, I cheered along with any Australian poker player when Joe won his miracle title) - I made occasional snide comments but only because they were mixed up in campaigns of deception (and I had no motive to be sleazy like so many 'pros' are, in ways too horrifying to be believed, unless seen - and no one wants to see sleaze like the creepy filth I'm talking about, where pros validate mysticism, promote deception, defend their new 'friends' incorrect logical assertions when others attempt to correct their misperceptions - facts become heavily debatable suddenly (even mathematics, sigh) and debatable assertions are debated like dogma, whilst insanity was ignored or outright defended ("Hey man, if he says his lucky locket with a picture of his angel helps him win with 75 because that's her birthdate, then you have some god damn nerve insulting him and his beautiful family and calling him a liar - some nerve - no I'm sorry <xxx> I know you don't mind, you're a gentleman but little rude offensive shits with no motive but trying to get under your skin by insulting you and your family - I apologise everyone, but where I come from, the values I've been raised with - we don't stand for that sort of thing." - do you know the type I'm talking about here? Who might respond that way to a kid who snorts at idiotic mysticism without realising he's fucking with a creep's game of exploitation, and in feeling compelled to say something rather than silently nod like everyone else who thinks "jesus christ! What a moron!" - and so, being the only non-creep at dinner, might say something like "um that's kinda ridiculous - I hope you're being ironic." At which point, the creep with explode in fury. I've seen this so many times, it's ridiculous. No, I wasn't bright enough to act in my own self-interests when I'd see stuff like this. I was usually one of the ones awkwardly silent, wishing I hadn't come to the stupid dinner or whatever. But do you see how the Truth was framed there, by the creep? This shit happens all the time in front of your face, non-stop. But then why would you be interested in politics, when politics is interested in you? Hardly makes sense caring about you, or else you would - right? Politics, poker and life is full of 'friends' like these who 'care' about your feelings - endless insulting, patronising shit which should insult you even if you genuinely thought they were looking out for you. Because do you need a mother, my little Sailor Man? Pretty sure you can take care of yourself; but then I wouldn't really know that for a fact, when you're being sucked dry by leeches. As literally everyone is, in this confused world of friends gumming on friends. And lying to everyone, but only because "it's in their best interests". No one can handle the Truth, and if you're wondering why, it's because you had a very confused childhood - and very confused parents, who in looking out for you, screwed up a lot of stuff for you. Like happiness. But don't get emotional. We're only talking about unimportant things, right?

The existence of these kinds of creeps, in hindsight, might actually be something of a mitigating argument I'd overlooked, in defence of Joe and Tony - because no doubt they would have been descended upon by these sorts of creeps the instant Joe won his title); but because I had no wish to exploit them or anyone, and because I had some genuine interest in not seeing people exploited; when I would see the selling (yes, selling - which was my biggest ethical reservation) of the lie of 'the WSOP dream' to children and to adults (who shouldn't be allowed to have children, to put it bluntly; if only for the children's sake) - suggesting or outright convincing them that they should follow their dreams and roll the dice, put it all on the line, etc - I would get quite snippety. Because it's really fucked up, in reality. And yes, Joe is proof that dreams can come true - but then everyone knows that already. What they don't know, because this is a world that endlessly lies to them, is the reality. And the reality is that you shouldn't actually follow those kinds of dreams because they're pure - 100% - exploitation. They're designed to exploit (I don't think anyone can really 'advantage' from deception, but I concede that many - almost everyone, in fact - believes they can) those who don't understand the brutal reality - who might understand, if they weren't so busy dreaming of fantasy. Of course, the reality of the WSOP ME is that the house cut is exorbitant, cheating is out of control - like literally, if Harrahs is even trying to control it, I saw no evidence of either their genuine intent nor their capacity to even deter cheating; in fact, some of their rules literally prevent you from protecting yourself, when you're forced to clear the auditorium (and of course, you'd count your chips if you weren't moronic, or if you were - because I used to count my chips and return from breaks short, sometimes short a lot, and just try complaining to understand why you shouldn't even bother counting in the first place - you understand?) - cheating in poker is literally out of control, and it's hard for morons to believe because everyone wants to believe they're unlucky because accepting the reality (that they've been 100% outplayed, 80% by skill 20% by cheating) isn't 'nice'. Truth isn't nice? Interesting.

The reality of the fields at the WSOP is that they are killing fields, littered with people like me; who are stone cold pros in ways you'll never be. This doesn't make you stupid, or inferior. But you should know the facts, before you gamble your family's money. Harrahs wants you to dream, idiotically. They believe they have an interest in doing so. I'm unsure they do, but I certainly don't. So I will tell you, truth. I understand, anyone who wants to dream will be 'offended'. How could I crush their dreams? Because I'm not a creep. But I can be, if you want to get horrifying about my attempting to assist you. But I had to be very careful with those little shenanigans; in this Orwellian world you can find yourself wondering whether or not someone is actually "asking for it" or whether you just played them - and yourself - like twin puppets. The best way to avoid wondering, is never to exploit.

The reality is the WSOP is full of pros so far advanced, compared to you; you simply couldn't begin to imagine how little your 10k is worth is EV, compared to theirs. Their 10k becomes something like 40k in EV, if they're Vos. I ran amusingly in 10k events so I stopped playing them after a dozen or two - I never had any tourney results, at all; and as I've already stated, I used to freeze up at crunch time - and my ADHD has a tendency to splash around, ill-advisedly. But if my 10k isn't 20k in EV, at least, you'd be on crack. Your 10k? If you're a regular family man with a passion for poker, who's seen Rounders and plays seriously once a week at a local home game - your 10k is worth like maybe 3k. If that. This is the reality. Yes, of course you can still win. The field is mostly comprised of people just like you - but then that has nothing to do with the fact that there are hundreds or thousands of ice cold pros who've played millions of hands, win at stakes you'd be insane to even contemplate (with a family? you'd be insane, and not in the 'good' way - that allows stone cold pros to beat stone cold pros, who aren't - quite - as insane, about the 'value' - or lack thereof - of money). I stopped valuing money, because I believed it was worthless. I was right, but not quite. Money is worth a great deal to those who cannot afford to feed themselves or their children. You'd be stupid to give them money, but then I only learned that the hard way. The only thing you can do in this world of suffering and exploitation and endless sneaking contradictions like 'sweet' insults, insulting 'truths', and endless creepy bullshit; is educate. So I do that.

noscuter1

01-25-2012, 02:44 PM

You should listen to what I say. Because I've sat on the other side and I would pop-pop-pop the dreams of players so far advanced, you cannot imagine how you cannot - actually - even be advised to play the game. Not ethically, you couldn't. Anyone who is advising you otherwise, is being creepy. Players like me would just pop-pop-pop you delusions, as easily as our denial affords us the ability to do what we're doing, when the reality is that no one involved in poker (I would argue, not even Joe; at the risk of sounding insulting, but then if you think about it, I'm being the opposite) is genuinely happy. I do not believe you can be happy, unless you're in denial; not when you're mixed up in exploitation (whether explicit - you'll live in shame, or implicit - you're living in delusion, and you're being set up to go POP). Joe's WSOP win was not really reality. You'll get eaten up by Reality (and we're talking 0.01% to 99.9%, in reality - because Harrahs is 100% exploitation and Crown Gaming is 100% exploitation and poker is 100% exploitation and the thought never occurred to me that Joe and Tony might be victims of sleaze, until now; quite frankly, but at the time I had mild reservations about was their selling of misperceptions and illusions [or lies, to put it more truthfully if undiplomatically] to innocents, who would be irrefutably better off never to gamble - period). And that's the irrefutable truth. I dare anyone to refute it.

But of course, because I was being quite snide - if completely honest, because it's dishonest to sell the idea that you're a Champion or the world's best player when the reality is poker will never and has never had one, and no one ever knows who the best players are, truthfully - not in this world of complex deception and illusion and things I could go into in-depth but which bore me but a clue would be that some of the high stakes games you watch are about as real as WWC; not to mention, of course, the complete illusion of everything including, but not limited to, your entire perception of reality. Fact.

Nothing you believe is real. Everything you believe, you've been led to believe. It might be accurate, it might be as farcical as <name a religion>. Nothing you see is ever the same image as the same scene, when viewed through the lens of another's goggles; because no two people have identical perceptions. We all view the same reality, or illusions of reality, with uniquely distinct goggles which reflect our entire lifetimes of knowledge gained, and 'knowledge' believed, opinions which may or may not have validity, and how strongly we feel them, and the manner in which we feel them (ashamed v indignant - two very strong emotions, two very uniquely different perceptions), our entire lifetimes of experience, emotional trauma (remembered or suppressed, yet still ticking away), countless other variables that only affect us in combination with our unique histories (and none - literally nothing - we know or have ever known could matter; when the truth is we're all looking at the same scene without having much of a clue at all - the smartest man alive knows what? 0.0001% of knowledge? And the dumbest knows...0.000001%? None of us knows anything, really. But because we don't think about what we don't know, and cannot quantify, we forget how much we don't know and focus on what we know - which is nothing, are largely nonsensical bullshit anyway - Trust Me, if you cannot understand the reality of the logic I'm explaining - no one knows anything, but if you start forgetting how little you know, and start thinking you know a thing or two, you can get very dangerous if you do - actually - know a thing or two. And this is why powerful but confused people created this world of exploitation and misery and pain. And now it's just perpetual. Parents lie to their children, literally from the moment the children are impressionable. Making them stupid. Making them confused. And in pain, everything gets confused - it's literally impossible to think clearly, when you're in pain.

Relate this back to poker? One example: The insanity that affords players the 'opportunity' to be considered the best - is the irony that is the trick of statistics which effectively suggests that somewhere along the line, or all the way along the line, they'll have done very ill-advisable things and merely got lucky. They won't realise it of course, if they're brilliant; but brilliant people are at the highest risk of miscalculating skill v luck % because it's human nature and perfectly understandable to misattribute results to earned by skill rather than earned by good fortune - and when you're brilliant and lucky, it's almost impossible to remember that you shouldn't even be alive. Statistically. You're like a freakish mathematical outlier, if you go all the way back to a twinkle in your father's eye. Your mere existence is almost implausible, and yet you're here. It's plausible enough for me. But when you start hurting other humans imagining that this is the secret to life? You start becoming very disturbing, because how does that logic go, again?

Show your working.

The simple reality is that no one you admire should be admired, because you should be admiring people who are genuinely and intelligently happy. Not people who are pretending to be fabulous, or careless or carefree. Or people who are in denial, who imagine themselves to be. They create the most suffering.

"Who cares so long as they're happy, right?"

Wrong. But then I understand the sentiment, which is why I have tried to be stupid my entire life, and/or chased the romantic fairy tale I became convinced was the only plausible remaining X. No one has tried for those dreams, harder or more convincingly than I have. But I failed at both, miserably at times. You cannot win when you're stupidly happy, or deluded into thinking you are happy; when the reality is you're merely 'happy' via delusion / fantasy. You cannot be happy when you're insane, but you could be forgiven for thinking you are. I see people "in love" all the time. But you're a big bubble and you're inevitably going to go POP.

And this is a world which encourages your insanity, when you're laughing and a sucker. Cry at being exploited? No one likes a stalker. No one talks about how widespread this "lovesick" business is. As soon as I stopped sleeping alone, I started being woken up by them - they come ringing, Sunday early mornings are the worst. I never ridiculed them or scorned them, I just didn't understand them - they kind of terrified me. Just like my g/fs, who I thought could be a lot more kind if they were more cruel and less 'sweet' - but then I never got through to any of them, with my suggestions that they stop complaining about the stalking, or be more proactive about popping the delusions. Pick up phone, leave phone. Easy.

Their incessant complaining about stalkers would creep the fuck out of me. They'd answer their phones, and be all 'sweet' - telling the victims to "please move on", "it was over, couldn't they see?"

How could they, when they were being strung along by creepy 'sweet' mixed signals. You want a confused former romantic partner to get the message? Cut all strings. Simple. They call, pick up, leave phone. Let them talk to themselves if they please. No stalker in history is calling their delusion, in order to hear themselves speak.

One day I got tilted at my g/f's 'sweetness' and I threw her phone out the window of our highrise. She was not impressed. I just wanted to sleep. She wasn't going to let me sleep easily after that, she was furious. She loved her phones. I told her to zip it, or follow the phone out the window or door - her choice. She gasped, in feigned horror. I told her I had had enough of her stalkers (when the reality was, I'd had enough of her 'sweet' stringing of them along). She got very cold, and said "You'll regret saying that one day, when you're one of them."

And I laughed. God I loved her when she got angry. So cute. I laughed, and went to sleep.

I wasn't laughing, when - unbelievably, at least I couldn't believe it - I became one of them. I guess she knew something about me that I didn't, or was in denial over. Maybe I am attracted to the sorts of girls who accumulate stalkers? How can I know these things when everyone is almost too creepy about their preference for - not - talking about the most important things, to warrant giving the time of day to. I became pathetic, I couldn't believe it. To her credit, she hardly ever strung me along. But the shame and embarrassment, of doing provably insane things which couldn't possibly be in my best interest - but stalkers are no longer in control of their actions, at least in terms of precluding embarrassment / redundancy - was very nearly too much for me to cope with.

I didn't cope with it, very well - if at all, in hindsight. But then each time I did it, I was so horrified I would spend so much time trying not to think about how cringe-worthy I'd just been, that I kept on doing cringe-worthy things. It was ridiculous. I was out of control. The embarrassment was out of control. And then I learned about shame's self-perpetual nature. In shame, you do shameful things. Which cause more shame. And this makes you do more shameful things. A shameful recursion. Uh oh.

Welcome to the globe, I think.

noscuter1

01-25-2012, 02:45 PM

I never spoke of my shame (I'd probably have noosed first, if it were up to me); but in hindsight, the shame lasted a lot longer than the genuine pining - of course, I was 'genuinely' pining for four years after we'd broken up for the 14th time or whatever. I was crashing emotionally, making millions (literally) in denial about the nature of the games of exploitation I'd suddenly embraced as being "in my best interests", whilst simultaneously self-hating, and killing myself with emotional cutting (which might have been the most insightful thing a friend has ever suggested; and he did so, awkwardly - as if I could ever be offended, even when deluded, as he clearly was). I laughed at the suggestion, it was ridiculous.

But I'm incapable of offence there.

Which is why, the next day, when laughing at the suggestion again; I gasped. Of course that's what I was doing. Backing myself into endless emotional reverse free-rolls, where I'm damned if they do, and damned if they don't. At which point, I'd hold up either result and say "See! It's just as I've been saying. Everyone screws me."

I'm not saying that's not true. I'm saying, who gives a fuck. What was my point? And to whom was I hoping to make it? I wasn't sure, and that's the point when you start healing. I started healing very slowly. But it was a long time before I felt comfortable with going outside. Probably a full year later, or thereabouts. I started healing, but the fear was all still there. The horror, of the desperation of this world - and their terrifying insanity, in being Catholic; having too many children they couldn't afford to feed (because they were Catholic) and the Catholic game-plan is to breed humans for whomever is willing to give them power - there will be an understanding, so long as you understand they are in power. You are their regent, screw with them and....well, you'd better have thought it through. Historically, Kings have died for screwing with the understanding. I don't think any Popes have ever be forced to show their working.

The cute girls of Manila slums who fool you into thinking they're rich little elitists (if only you don't look too hard, of course) carry the hopes and dreams of so many on their shoulders. I don't even understand how they fake nonchalance and fabulous carefree - I guess they learn, or they get weeded out years before I could expect to meet them. Entire extended families will scratch together and put their net worth on these girls - who don't even get a choice; everything might buy one dress, which gets adjusted I guess. If they run bad. Or good. Hard to know, when fishing for husbands - but what motive could a guy have to hurt a little girl. So much fear is the result of bullshit. Humans only get confused when they've gone insane. And then it's their wives kids and loved ones who suffer. I'm not sure I buy this whole dark marauding predator bullshit. I'm sure it happens, but insanity and confusion aren't calculating. If you're calculating, how do you calculate it's in your best interests to kill a girl or something?

Show that working.

They freaked me out, the girls of Manila's poverty. Laughing and dancing in clubs where they had no business of being in, except they're let in free of course - when they're pretty - drinks are bought for them, they can sail along on a fairly low budget, hoping to meet Mr. Right. Anyone white. They're not confused. Why would the local elite marry them? They'll hook up with them, sleep with them but I imagine they'd be wasting their time and emotion on them. Rich marries into rich. They know what their family needs, white skin. There is literally no misunderstanding. I should have known, in hindsight. You only see what you want to see, and what I saw was....misery.

Everywhere.

So much 'caring'. God so horrifying that terrifying 'caring'. Nothing I could do about it, except - not - leave my hermit fortress. And I'd make sure all curtains were double layer blackouts. And blacked out, at all times. I never looked outside. You will see reality, from a Makati City or Rockwell high-rise. Slums, as far as the eye can see. And a tiny pocket of 1st world wealth, protected from 90 million starving by a guard who may or may not be asleep when you drive up to the 'barricade' which may or may not keep out a moped traveling at a respectable speed. But of course, I understood. I always felt pretty safe, except when people would mistake my skin for bling. And then I would see envy in their eyes.

You'd have to be demented to be wearing bling. Literally, insane. The wearers of bling are trying to - force - value out of their desperation, their unwillingness to accept they've been the victims of a very common con. So they will pretend, in their denial, that they're happy - can't you see? Trophy on their arm. Who wouldn't be happy! Fast car, parked where it can be admired (or keyed). That bitch is theirs, baby! You better believe it. Who wouldn't want to be 50 and driving a Ferrari?

When you can be 20, steal the car, fuck the girl, and laugh at the silver-haired fox in delusion about envy. Don't feel sorry for them. They're trying to force envy. They're part of the Evil, at that point. I'm just explaining, that they're insane. They could get a knife in the kidney for their trouble; or if they're really enviable, they'll see a lot of dark and terrifying things in the eyes of those who have lost their minds. And confused everything. Envy with hatred. You with an obstacle. Standing in the way, between them and happiness.

I've seen guys wear fake Rolexes in Manila. This is insanity, when it reaches comedic levels - surely! Imagine getting stabbed, for real, by a guy who envies your fake blink. That would be beautiful, no? I bet it's happened. Obviously.

I saw the hatred in the eyes of people who weren't racist, on the contrary. They were envious. And they wanted what they assumed I had. Maybe it was 1/10th of what I had, but I knew it was enough for dark and terrifying thoughts to be swirling around minds I'd just as soon not be thinking about me at all. I wanted to tell them, how stupid they were being. But how could I explain. They'd just say "give it to me then". They're morons, who feel entitled. God did promise those blessings, after all. Cargo cults are literally the best cults, of all cults. As a child born into a cult, I feel I have the authority to make declarations like this about cults. I'd have given anything to be born into one. They go for centuries, lying on that beach. Waiting for God to bless them again. Imagine another sunken ship? Game over. You'd have to kill them to 'convert' them.

People are moronic in the Philippines. I'm not sure I met a single person, in 2 years, capable of acting in their own best interests. Maybe Manny Pacquiao, but then he really shouldn't have been playing poker. I guess he could afford it, but then that's the 'trick' with poker, how are you going to care until there's a sting?

noscuter1

01-25-2012, 02:48 PM

Actually, that's the dark secret of gambling. I didn't make this shit up, they've done scientific studies and shit. With monkeys, probably more advanced - in some respects - than you are capable of being. Monkeys were given two buttons to press. One button gives them a buzz, like drops a treat into a tray or something. I can't remember the specifics, but basically one button is a win. One button is a big fat Loss. An electric shock. Or something that you'd have to be insane to press twice, let alone a third time.

Then they hooked up electrodes to their skulls and whatnot and started mapping their brain activity. The instant I heard about this study, I knew it was legit and that I wasn't having my leg pulled. It's the perfect corruption of humanity, they're corrupting monkeys now. Or the study is corrupted. But if you read the study, basically the monkeys start out by experimenting. But they get bored with the Win button. The monkeys all start pressing the Lose button. And the area in the brain that measures...dopamine release? It's highly likely I'm making a mockery of this study's 'findings; but anyway, the monkeys all get their 'payoff' in terms of their excitement or their 'high' from when they lose. Not when they win. Work in a casino and you'll know it's truth, at least for humans.

TREAT THEM MEAN, KEEP THEM KEEN.

The Philippines have been treated mean, for so long, they will go to the polls on polling day (democracy, obviously) and just vote for the first name they recognise. Which creates huge advantages for dynasties. Why?

Jesus Christ, are you playing. Or legit? Why?

Because they're happy, that's why! They've been brainwashed. They're the happiest culture on the face of the planet, you can Google it. They win all those Happiness surveys. They're not really happy, they just think they are. They live on $1 or $2 / day, how happy can you be?

"Who cares so long as you're happy?"

Good question, poker-man. Let me tell you who cares. I care. Filthy scum shouldn't be happy. I want them to be miserable. How dare they be happy when I'm miserable?

I'm not maniacal poker-man. What motive could I have to want them to be unhappy? To be angry with their happiness, delusional or otherwise? Think, poker-man, think!

I have a motive. Actually, I have 60,000,000 or so. Too easy?

Not easy enough? Good god. You know what happens to a Catholic who has sex for leisure? It's frowned upon.

You know what happens to a Catholic who uses a condom? They burn in Hell's fires for all of eternity. So the Pope says "purity is the key. Never have sex. Abstain, for life. It's easy! Look at me, take inspiration from me. But if you have sex, if you're weak and dirty and impure, that's okay.

But whatever you do, don't wear condoms. Or you'll burn for ever, in Hell.

They're moronic, obviously. It's 80% of the reason why they're religious, and 60% of the reason why they're poor. 30% of the reason why they're poor is because they're Catholic. 10% is they're lazy fuckers. "For awhile Sir. For awhile." You could take a seat and be there - for awhile - like 3 hours. You could complain, and they will listen. They will be alarmed. They'd try to help but they'd miss the entire point. How can they help? What about their children? Am I interested? This is what they'll ask me.

I literally don't even know what that means. But I didn't ask them to take care of their children again. No I wasn't interested. But pretty sure, if I was, I'd know who could handle my requirements with discretion. Who would have the motive? Not for choirgirls though. Let's be reasonable now. You'd have to put in an order, I imagine for that. But al a carte? For awhile Sir. For awhile.

This world sucks ass at motive. I ran in terror at the misery and unfathomable 'caring' of the stalkers of poverty and exploitation (incredibly pretty, though) who I was irrationally horrified by, at night. Of course, they reminded me of me. But then if you think people in denial can think objectively, you're either very lucky or in very deep.

And I would have died, were it not for a brutal burst of honesty from someone who had no interest in pandering to my - genuine, and arguably justified - horror at myself. I'd sunken so low, I did - sigh - a drive-by. The single most insane moment of my life, because my brain was screaming at my hands and feet but something else was happening; a petulant kind of "fuck you" to myself, to logic. What do I know, for the first time in my life, I wasn't in control. Of course I was dangerous; I very nearly killed me for it. But on the way home, shaking in horror and terror at the insanity I'd just participated in (but which I'd seen hundreds of times), I was all over the road. I could have killed somebody. Kid named Scott (very bright, didn't dabble in blow which is more than I can say for my other visitors that month in Buenos Aires - clouds of it, were billowing - but then there was a lot of pain, to be relieved. None in pain so much as my imagination was ashamed of me. High, I blurted out the most shameful moment; and then cringed. I regretted it immediately. Everyone was looking at me. Oh its pretty embarrassing. I braced for impact, and got a surprise instead. Scott was laughing, in disbelief. Then he shook his head. He didn't buy it. What was I hiding?

The thought that something could be worse than my most shameful moment, terrified me. Scott was dubious. "If that's the worst thing you've done, you'd be a saint. Literally everyone does shit like that."

This made zero sense. I was not expecting that. Confused, I expressed...confusion. But what more could be said? It's true. Literally everyone does insane things. I started thinking, "How does that make sense?"

And it hit me. Nothing makes sense in this world of insanity. So why are we all insane and incapable of acting in ways that will serve our best interests (our happiness)? Why are we all corrupted and confused and acting in ways that will - provably - generate misery? I understood, I'd been given a reprieve. Everyone has, actually.

I was 29 when the clouds were lifted from my burdened shoulders. And I realised I was right, for a change. That guy wasn't actually me. I could prove it!

"Your Honour, my client wishes to explain it was impossible for his cringe-worthy drive-by to be in his best interests. As such, unless the court can establish motive that his actions could possibly be in his best interests, the plea will be "not guilty by reason of insanity" and we'll be pursuing compensation for the embarrassment suffered by his formerly good name - from the state."

noscuter1

01-25-2012, 02:50 PM

Oh what I did was so messed up. But I'd lost the plot. I thought it was all about me, you see? I was insane, because selfishness is never going to be insane - and will never be shameful. Insanity might be, but that has nothing to do with selfishness. When you're selfish, you drive safely not because you're afraid of getting a ticket or running into an RBT (but Society will very stealthily suggest such a 'motive' to you, to distract you from motive - to distract you from thinking about your own best interests); because when you're selfish rather than insane, you drive safely because you could kill yourself, kill a child (at which point, you'll want to kill yourself), injure someone or do any number of things - all of which are infinitely more horrifying and more valid a reason not to take unnecessarily retarded risks - and none of the risks which would preclude your driving drunk or stupidly, have anything to do with an RBT or the Law. They have a lot to do with your manufacturer wanting you to break the Law, and the Law wanting you to break the Law. This is the creepy reality of Law.

Law is preemptive suggestive up-selling of insanity to children: "Would you like crimes with that?"

With that emotional validation addiction, is what they mean. The answer is No, and No. Crimes of passion isn't in your best interests. You act in your best interests. Return the passion to sender. Return your mother to sender. It's their passion. It's their prize cow. It's why people are insane on roads all over the world. But not because people are insane, but because they're confused. They've forgotten that it's not the RBTs or the speed cameras that matter. It's the horrors of what will happen to them and to innocent passengers of theirs or other vehicles, little children - unspeakable horrors, so unnecessary. All of it. People speed everywhere in the world and the death toll on roads is - simply - horrifying. And they're speeding in cars that should be speed capped but are built to break the law. And there isn't a single victim of the Reality of drunk driving or unsafe driving in all of history that didn't spend their remaining lives screaming silently "WHY!! WHY WAS I EVEN DRIVING DRUNK!? WHY WHY WHY!?!"

They don't know. But I do. Now, we do.

Oh you think you have a good reason to speed, everyone has a good reason to speed. 7 billion VIPs racing each other, and killing each other on roads in the process, speeding to very important things. Their minimum wage slave jobs. Don't wanna be late for that! Home. Can't wait to get back to that TV! An appointment. How important can an appointment be, really; if you didn't give yourself breathing space and need to make up for it with insane risks?

And at the heart of all of this, is the dark - impossibly creepy - reality; that you don't want to accept, because you don't want to admit you were bred to bleed. Your cars are designed to break the law, you're literally setup to be a victim if you're a young boy. I was a decent kid, I swear to god, I had no reason to kill anyone - does anyone? (you should think about that, and then think how the law handles "insanity pleas") - I was just an ignorant kid, who'd never been taught to drive (taught myself, to jeers of my friends calling me Miss Daisy etc), and given the money to buy a Celica with a top speed of 235 (if my mate Strikis was driving, but I could only ever get it up to 205, to my shame and frustration). I didn't know what aqua-planing was; I thought I was losing power steering fluid when I was aqua-planing on the Pacific Highway at 170 in torrential rain. And then I put that Celica into a tree.

Very good, genius. Yes, I would be dead. But I didn't say I was going 170 at impact. I hit a lot of trees slowing down to impact, about 100-200m off the highway. Where I wrote off my car, hitting a tree head-on - an impact which totaled the car, but I wasn't even scratched. Physically. Psychologically? Not scratched enough. It might have been a different story, had the tree been located near the road. This tree wasn't going anywhere. But then who knows, really. Toyota makes pretty good cars, even if they're as creepy as the rest of criminals who make cars - legally - to break the law, then market the crimes - legally - with advertisements linking speed of their performance vehicle with sex, prestige, 'cool' and other idiotic things, which get creepy when little boys are involved and going "vroom vroom" in a sandbox but then all of this is moot because in Australia there isn't a road in the country where you can drive at 115km/hr legally. So why are your cars - all - designed to go at 240 or faster? With speedometers that suggest median speed should be 120, if you're late? Hurry it up to 170! Whoops.

I was running late for my first posting, to RAAF Edinburgh. I had the best reason possible for speeding. National defence? I mean, seriously. Little hungover, though. Got a later than planned start, later than planned party the night before. Still hadn't slept. But making good time. Oh my Celica was a write-off. The wrecking company which shipped it to Canberra for $1800 took it to the guys who told me "Dude this is a complete write-off. Why didn't you leave it in Taree?"

Why, indeed. How could I know these things? What's the line, the wrecking company knew - instantly? Pretty much unbackable, I'd think. But they figure they had an interest in making that $. What do I know. I merely an interest in...<???> I was just a confused child. Who shouldn't have been on the road. Definitely not behind the wheel of a sports-car that can do 235. Before it was written-off.

After? Strikis never drove it, after that. hahah. I couldn't get it above 180. Truth is, I was too frightened to go above 150; the shaking would get out of control. Over 90 and the shaking would start. 140 and it was embarrassing with passengers. 180 and you were flirting with death; I imagine. What the heck would I know. Pretty sure it was dangerous, I know that much. But then I was legal wasn't I? What's the problem? This is how the Law wants you to think. The Law doesn't want you thinking. The Law wants you feeling. Passion.

The entire chassis would rattle. It was pure insanity. I was frustrated. The guy who whispered, calling me up randomly - little Spam, on the side - a mechanic, who'd 'heard' my conversation with the manager and wanted to know if I wanted it back on the road good enough to pass any roadworthy (and if not, he knew a guy that wasn't anal, about making money). Was I interested? I tried to play coy. How much? Few thousand. DONE!! Dammit. I thought. That was too fast. He laughed, gave me his address, I picked it up. Well, it was drivable. It wasn't ever going to pass another roadworthy but then it's a funny thing about roadworthy tests - you don't have to do them again. Who knew?! Maybe if you sell it, or something. What do I know. They just send out a sticker each year and I wack that shit on and I'm legal. Shaking all over the place, bit of skew endlessly pulling to the right, legally written-off but yet legally legal. Funny that. Little crazy skew which drifts to the right if you're not used to it but nothing you can't handle with that power steering (fluid never leaked, but then I'd learned what aqua-planing was).

I was running late for my first posting. I needed to get from Brisbane to Adelaide in (not enough hours to make it, at 110km/hr - hah). But I was racing along, little tired; slapping my face to keep my eyelids from closing. They closed once, I woke up and laughed. Highway was over there, I could tell. Just a km to two to the right. You can't crash in the desert. Unless you run off a cliff or something. I didn't, clearly. What's the problem?

This is literally how I thought. I'd stopped thinking. I'd dropped down to pick up my cigarette which I didn't realise was actually burning a golf ball sized hole through the back of the rear passenger seat. That's why I took so long (not) to find it. When I finally gave up, in frustration; I looked up, and I was on the wrong side of the road. I wasn't worried, although I did get momentarily alarmed; when I learned about combined speeds, for the first time. We were doing over 300. Boy, he came up on me quick; I swerved a little faster than I would have otherwise. We raced past each other, with plenty of room. I was chuckling. Another second or two, and things could have gotten "interesting". This is how they'd gotten me thinking. Oh I never used to think like this. This is all Society.

I had quick reflexes, and I was insane-by-virtue-of-ignorance. It was all a big joke, in my mind. Driving, I mean. I swerved; laughed, stopped laughing when I saw the occupants of the vehicle (kid, 17 maybe, 16 perhaps; father in passenger seat, mother and younger sister and pet of some kind in the back). "God that could have been ugly", I was thinking. Watching them in the rear view mirror. I watched as the kid panicked literally 2-3 seconds after we'd passed each other, lost control of the vehicle, and went over the ravine.

noscuter1

01-25-2012, 02:51 PM

I had quick reflexes, everything was always about me. Me. Me. Not selfishly. Just idiotically. My car was going 160, why was his coming so fast. Took me longer than it should have to even consider combined speeds. Everything was focused on me. It's how they want you to 'think'. I had quick reflexes, so it wasn't my fault. Is it my fault the kid is a moron child who panicked? It's not my fault. You can't prove anything. Did that even happen? I probably just imagined it. This is all the stuff going through my brain faster and faster as I tried to come to terms which what had just happened. I had quick reflexes, why didn't this kid for christ's sake?! Christ I was almost a pilot until I baulked at 15 year ROSO in return for the 'privilege' of flying utterly tactically and strategically redundant FA-18s - idiotic toy fighters that no longer have any legitimate use beyond Spam. They got me. And many others, I assure you. I wasn't even going to be able to compete for Hornets; there were children there with the pressure of being 3rd and 4th generation RAAF or RAF/RAAF pilots (assumed). Their lives were pure misery. Failure was not an option.

I tried to make jokes about it. Let's not get carried away, I'd calmly explain; when the pressure of getting off the phone with their fathers or grandfathers would make them hysterical. This are 'grown' men, at ADFA awaiting Pilot training. Where failure is not an option. It's funny, that you can't make jokes to these poor kids when they're hysterical, or make logical arguments for that matter either. I warned one of them to chill, or the computer which should have had his job 20 years ago might get some fast ideas.

He stared at me, blankly. I stared back, horrified. He didn't know what I was babbling about. I tried to think where I'd seen that blank look, before. I knew where I'd seen that blank look before! Oh I knew what that blank look meant, perfectly.

At least he didn't backhand me.

But it doesn't register in these morons' heads (I'm talking about their vile fathers and grandfather Air Marshals and all their bullshit heritage) that they're fighting a moronic losing battle anyway. Want to know why computers aren't doing the jobs they could do better two decades ago? Because Pilots run the RAAF. And they will fight the future like anyone who's obsessed with the worthless past.

And they'll lose. Wanna bet on it?

Oh they might kill a few of their children along the way. Because I make jokes but these guys weren't laughing, without a reason. Do you know what "failure is not an option" looks like, when you fail?

It swings, on the end of a lanyard which appears to be frantically hanging onto the neck of a body whilst engaged in a fierce tug-of-war over that body, with gravity. Neither realise the tug-of-war is pointless. No one will realise, until someone screams. Everyone will be oh-so-surprised of course. The parents will be inconsolable, and in denial. Was it over a girl? Someone will say Yes. They'll cry, they knew he was distracted by something. You only had to look at his less-than-perfect grades to know something was eating away into his miserable production time. Filthy murderers - who are never arrested. They will have the nerve to cry at the funeral of the children they have killed, console each other and tell each other they did their best.

That - was the problem. That - was what killed their children. Computers are flying aircraft now. They should have been flying them decades ago, but whilst you can hold back the future briefly - you can stall it, temporarily - you cannot, ever, hold it back indefinitely. One generation, two? What's the goddamn point? I don't get 'heritage'. I literally never have. What's the entire heritage nonsense all about? Why is it so important to those who feel the urge to drive their children to misery to carry on the redundant 'legacy'? Important enough to kill a child over; but then you need to understand, these parents know what they're doing. Most of these children never kill themselves. These parents know how to motivate children. They push them to the edge of misery, and what are you going to do? If some don't go over, you're not pushing them hard enough.

Christ I just wanted to impress girls. I can't imagine the grades I would have gotten if failure to get them meant death. As a virgin. Impressing my insane vile parents? I tried to understand these children but the whole mother thing has always been lost on me. Making my dad proud? I don't get it? Why doesn't he make me proud - this has always been my beef. No one understands me. You all seem to have it the other way around. Your parents seem to have convinced you to impress them. Okay.

These kids die as virgins, more often than not. I'm just making a point about their spare time. They don't have any, really. They're actually interesting kids because they're freakishly intelligent, but then they were as useless as I was with girls. We were hopeless. I just played Counter-Strike and Tiberium Sun and annoyed everyone who thought they could get rid of me with passive-aggressive hints. Oh I understood they needed to study, but they needed to understand I was bored. Some people literally cannot ask you to leave. It's hilarious. These kids would freak out because they needed to get me out and get back to work - this isn't playing, you know? It was for me.

They relaxed, don't get me wrong. In their spare time, they'd likely be found chilled out with a light beer and some manuals acquired from the Pilots courses they'd be completing, at the top of their classes - in short order. Because failure is not an option. Poor kids. They don't impress a lot of girls, I bet; this was my first impression when I met the F1-11 pilots at Amberley. They were cool, and jovial enough; funny and realistic / fatalistic about their chances of getting up in the air this week. It was all Inshallah and If it is written and so forth. You wouldn't believe how many ways you can pun "when Pigs fly". I couldn't believe it. I liked them. But I was 100% focused on girls. And I met their wives. And felt shitty for thinking "well that would have been a 4, at her peak - until she had those two kids." None had a hot girlfriend. Actually, I wouldn't have given the time of day to one of their WaGs. I was kind of horrified.

Girls were really important to me. I'd hardly even spoken to any. That's why they were really important to me.

But these poor kids would kill themselves without ever realising girls are about as boring as your capacity to tolerate them - they'll stretch your capacity to the limit, and then stress test your new low level marks. These kids would have been horrified. But then they weren't thinking of girls, when they ended their lives, without forming an opinion. Because failure is not an option. Until it's not an option. Do you understand? Would you be charming girls when there are books and manuals and technical assignments to complete, and your life is - forever - hanging by a thread? Oh they're all in denial, of course. But kids don't get hysterical over conversations with their father on the phone because they're emotionally fragile. They're emotional wrecks. But then they have a good reason, to be. If you listen to them, they'd convince you. They always sounded like they were trying to convince themselves, but then sometimes that was only because I hadn't asked for an explanation. They felt compelled to explain their devotion, anyway.

After all, their parents had done so much for them. I remained, unconvinced; I saw very little proof of anything except misery.

BTech Aero isn't a walk in the park. Neither is Pilot training. And finishing in whatever percentile is required? I laughed. What a joke, I thought.

And I realised, in horror; it'd been awhile since I thought. Just as well, I got around to it. If I didn't, I'd still be in the RAAF now. They don't let you off ROSO for Pilot training, with a yawn. Kinda terrifying, but very few of them actually die. You have to understand this. It's so much more horrifying than you think. Because most don't die, you understand? Only the ones that fail.

Most of them 'succeed'. They 'win'. Fear of death does this to you. Terror is the great motivator. Pity it's not a very good one. But it will sure as hell make you a high-achieving winner, or maybe you will die trying. It makes you a winner, if you believe you will die when you lose. Why do you think I became one?

Welcome to winning, at the elite level. Welcome to the dark realities - do you understand why people aren't chatty about it?

noscuter1

01-25-2012, 02:51 PM

Very few of them die, in reality. Most live 'full' and 'happy' high-achieving lives, keeping the family 'tradition' going; for one more generation. Maybe two. Who knows what denial is capable of stalling, and for how long. I saw these kids; good kids, bright kids, geniuses - some of them. All of them in denial, so much misery and stress and terror. I looked at them, and thought; what if the gap between my scores and theirs behind me was too substantial to be fudged in their favour (oh, I think you'd cut them a little slack, in their position - wouldn't you? Unless flying a Hornet and killing your buddy indirectly is all part of the game - because flying a redundant toy just means that much to you?) - and I shuddered, thinking; "What if these guys swung on account of me?"

Then I cracked up laughing. Cause I'd been dabbling in a little delusion there, for a couple years. I hadn't even bothered to log a single hour, or put the paperwork in. There was always next month, next term, next semester, next year - in third year, when I'd have the time! I laughed, because who was I kidding. ADFA had made me lazy. BTech Aero? I enrolled. But I literally didn't complete the first class, before slinking out in horror at Hour 1 of Year 1 of 3 years of this? It was a no-brainer. I enrolled instead into Arts (Politics). Smartest damn thing I've ever done, lifetime. 34 contact hours (plus assignments) to 8 contact hours (not-strictly-mandatory / completely redundant even going to lectures, unless you need notes read to you) per week in 3rd year? Insanely hard aeronautical engineering degree v insanely easy essay-writing / fun debates? I laughed, because the truth is I'd have struggled to pass the Pilot courses. And there I was towards the end of Second Year stressing about I might do to these kids who were bred, to succeed. I couldn't touch them. I wasn't going to get near them. They simply weren't going to fail. Their parents knew what they were doing.

Right up until some of them fail. At which point, many of the ones that do fail, kill themselves. Fact.

Fuck that shit, I just swapped over to RAAF Intelligence. It sounded cool?

The reality is always very different from the marketing. The reality of RAAF jets in QLD (where I wanted to be) is rusty 60 year old F1-11s but they don't tell you that in Recruiting. Fucking Spam. The entire squadron pretty much cannibalised to get one or two in the air at any one time - the rest would be listed U/S for Unserviceable. Christ I hope that's not classified? meh. I got a lot more corruption where that came from. Of course it's corruption. You know what Australia spends on 'defence'? For a nation that cannot - plausibly - be attacked. Not logically, it cannot.

The answer is, as always, and this is true for any and every military budget in history:

Too much, for not enough.

And of course, we're one race. one humanity. We should start acting like one. It's in our best interests. The resources and the money are there. Money isn't even needed, but then I don't want to sound like a damn hippie. The world disposes of more food than required to feed the world, just...price-manipulation? I'm not sure the 'reasons' matter when children are starving. With the money this world wastes on military expenditure...you could feed and clothe 15 planets. Teaching children to act in their own interests, instead of going to so much effort to confuse them?

That costs nothing. In fact, you'd save a fortune. The whole world would benefit. Instant increase in happiness, in the hundreds of %. Fact.

What does any of this have to do with poker? Everything. Nothing. This stuff is important. Poker is irrelevant. You should listen to me. I used to be one of the best MHSNL / HUSH online pros in the world. You will not - and should not even want to be. Wake up. This isn't a time for 'games'.

Trust me, you don't want to be playing a game of exploitation against people like me. You're going to get destroyed. This is not a ridicule or a challenge. I'm not gaming you. Nothing about poker is a game. That's the biggest lie of all. You do not - play - with fire. You have discipline, I understand this is what you believe. You feel you are strong, mentally. You know nothing, about the insanity. You know what discipline is, in poker? The ability to feel nothing. When you have discipline in poker, you are detached to the point of being disassociated from reality; i.e. you'll be insane. When you have the requisite discipline, to win. Fact.

I have zero motive to lie to you, and every motive to no longer exploit disparities of intelligence. If you feel anything other than a numb apathy, where all you can think about is the endless tsunamis of incoming information and everything is just numbers and patterns and %s and tendencies and histories; perfectly filed in order to be recalled, if and when necessary, at high speed and perfect accuracy; than you cannot fathom the disparity of intelligence, trust me. My mind, when it's in full swing, is a truly terrifying thing. It terrifies me! I literally cannot sleep, when my mind is racing. I can try to slow it down, but that's a bit like a pill-popper trying to relax enough to take a piss in a club. You ever seen someone - try desperately - to relax? Hah.

In full fling, playing at elite against killers who will kill you emotionlessly if they could - but then only if you get lucky, when they've outplayed you, everyone knows it, but you have the chips; so it's what you're going for, if you can't win the ideal way (with coolers in your favour - because that's what poker is, coolers and heaters; setup hands one after another - where everyone plays each hand pretty well, and they must be damn near optimal by now surely? I wouldn't know. I know that you're not happy when you're winning or losing 5 figures every other hand, on multiple tables. Swinging up or down 50 or 100k easy, in a session; I couldn't sleep - period. How could anyone sleep, when other winners aren't sleeping?

Someone should tell me what they hope to win, and by that, I mean you all need to revise your idiotic dreams. Because rich people and powerful people are in denial. It's provable and obvious. They're still working like crazy, right? There's your evidence. They're not happy.

Being Oprah-rich has never been rich enough, for Oprah. And that's tragic. Because she hurts so many people, in her denial.

noscuter1

01-25-2012, 02:54 PM

I talk about OT things because poker is the dumbest and most boring of all subjects - and I say this as someone who went months without getting a game. No one would play me on the 2-3 sites I played. I didn't trust the others, but then maybe a 20,000NL winner at iPoker who can't get a game from 25/50nl upwards, can't beat the morons at FTP 5/10 and 10/20nl? Or AP. I couldn't. Unlucky, perhaps. Over sample sizes so ludicrous it became ridiculous. But then I'm not really interested in such things anymore. I found what happiness looks like. I could draw you a picture of it. I'm not sure how I'd take a photo, I'd be afraid to disturb it.

I might try and describe it because I saw it so often last year, walking around Bangkok because - well, fuck - I literally couldn't handle the corruption or force myself into denial that night or whatever, and I was in no mood to go 'partying'. I would make an effort to meet friends at clubs or whatever. I'd crash out, and end up walking around Bangkok aimlessly. It was the last place I expected to discover what happiness looked like. I thought I saw it, momentarily - a kid on a moped, eyes lit up, going somewhere (it doesn't matter, I don't think - somewhere you wanna go, I guess), with his g/f sitting on the back, arms wrapped around his torso even though they don't need to be - and I literally cannot deal with Bangkok traffic except on moped taxis and if you wrap your arms around those guys, you could get a surprise Reality check. I advise against the torso wrap.

I thought I saw happiness, but then I was wrong. I thought, "That's happiness, bang! Right there!" but then I ruined it. The girl saw me. And was intrigued. I can tell you why. Someone has made her think she'll be happier with bling. I don't wear bling, but in Bangkok - a demented and corrupted girl might believe my skin colour represents bling. I wouldn't live here if that were generic, Bangkok girls are borderline racist to foreigners but then I've never really had that confirmed because they don't speak English. So it's pretty hard for me to impress them. 90% aren't impressed. That's why I'm here. If you want robotic morons, go to The Philippines. This girl was cute but a moron; she didn't realise she had happiness already, that's why she was looking. And then her boyfriend noticed what she was looking at, and he was annoyed - irrationally, because his g/f was irrational. But he wasn't a moron. And all I could think was "you morons, what the fuck is wrong with you - you had happiness already!" - and then I felt shitty because I'd ruined their happiness.

Wrong.

You cannot ruin happiness. Happiness is never...looking around for something better. Happiness is contented, happiness couldn't possibly notice anyone that wasn't trying to disturb the miracle. I felt shitty for like 3 min until I realised I didn't ruin happiness, but only when the proper happiness putted past me. And they didn't give me a second's thought. She wasn't looking around for better. He wasn't 'threatened'. I would never threaten happiness. I simply couldn't, even if I wanted to.

I could confuse the hell out of it, though; if I tried to take a picture - I think. Because I'd like to show you, what happiness is. And you would instantly realise the Truth. You're already happy, you just don't know it. You won't find it in poker, trust me. You won't find it - at all - if you're exploiting others, or creating unhappiness, or getting in the way of those who are trying - and it can be hard, in this corrupted and confused world - to try to be happy, in spite of all the misery.

But it's possible. You just have to be pragmatic, realistic, real. Fuck fantasy off. Get rid of your delusions. You think I don't have things - I'd rather - be doing? This is what's important to me.

I was 29 when I found happiness for the first time. I'd solved the equation. It's a trick equation. God damn motherfuckers are geniuses. Kids, I mean. They'd never get fooled into trying to solve trick equations for happiness. They'd just be happy, and play with anyone, until someone corrupts them; and makes them afraid. Gosh I wonder who that could have been? And what their motive could have been imagined to have been?

I solved the equation. You don't want to find X. You want to get rid of X.

You = Happiness.

If you don't understand this, you are probably somebody's X.

And you need to get out of the equation.

Miserable people do not want company. They're just in pain. Misery wants happiness, but when it's confused about how to get there, misery can create a lot of miserable pain. I have a - selfish - interest in lifting the clouds of confusion from your foggy and scratched 'vision'. Trust me, they scratch and fog and cloud your vision, intentionally. Someone got the idea into their heads - and these people were very bright, and very miserable - that they would be happy simply controlling people. And people don't want to be controlled, so - 'logically' - these people made humanity easier to control. They changed the logic to illogical. They confused you about selfishness and your DNA. They tricked you into not caring about your own best interests. They made you borderline illiterate, and/or unable to read 'walls' of text. They're drilling at the lowest common denominator and they're making a big mistake.

They're not going to win, in the end.

Nobody wants to rule over moronic robots.

They're going to win, in the end. They're going to win THE END.

Pretty sure that's in nobody's best interests. Or everybody's. Hard to know, really; when everyone is completely insane, illiterate and already knows - everything.

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